According to John Clayton at ESPN, the Oakland Raiders are planning to release JaMarcus Russell.

This will conclude a long humanitarian experiment spearheaded by Lord of the Undead and Oakland Raiders owner, Al Davis. Every morning, he would rise from his coffin and personally check on the progress being made by JaMarcus Russell – progress that was so fast he was astounded. This caused a lot of confusion in the sports world, as everyone believed Al Davis was trying to make JaMarcus the starting QB of the Oakland Raiders. However, it turned out that the whole time Al Davis was just trying to prepare him to be reintroduced to the wild.

“The JaMarcus is an endangered species,” said Davis. “There are only three known breeding pairs left in the wild. We have previously succeeded in returning other members of the JaMarcus species to the wild, including David Klingler, who Cincinnati had previously failed to return to the wild. Sometimes, we returned a JaMarcus to the wild with only partial success, such as in the case of Todd Marinovich. The Oakland Raiders organization remains Committed to Ecological Excellence.”

The JaMarcus in its natural habitat, the lost continent of Lemuria.

The JaMarcus in its natural habitat, the lost continent of Lemuria.

JaMarcus Russell has shown plenty of promise in his time with the Raiders. He can now identify various berries and plants of his native continent, Lemuria, which are safe to eat. In addition, he has shown increasing deftness in evading Al Davis’ pet Velociraptors in the Oakland Raiders’ training facility. Velociraptors are the apex predator in Lemuria, and the only threat to JaMarcuses – usually causes of death for JaMarcuses include extreme laziness, drug addiction, and skateboarding injuries – the last two of which have especially been a problem for famous JaMarcus, Todd Marinovich. Russell will be tagged with an electronic tracking system and genetically engineered to have a lysine deficiency so that he will not be able to survive away from the lysine rich foods of Lemuria. This is to ensure that he does not escape and multiply in our ecosystem, which would systematically destroy it.

Todd Marinovich has periodically escaped from Lemuria on his skateboard to California, where he has destroyed three hundred square miles of ancient redwood forests and consumed eight thousand tons of crystal meth. Oakland Raiders authorities are still unsure of how he survives outside of Lemuria or how he escapes from there. Marinovich has been tranquilized and returned to his home continent on four separate occasions. Oakland officials hope JaMarcus Russell will be a stabilizing influence on Marinovich and are guardedly optimistic that they may form a mating pair and repopulate the species.


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