The Foosball Wizard is not a proponent of having your fantasy draft this early as you haven’t even seen anyone’s training camp or preseason games yet. Nonetheless, as a service to me fans I will be providing you with fantasy rankings for 2010 as early as this June and update them as a I receive more information. To whet your whistles and encourage debate, I present to you the FANTASY QB RANKINGS FOR 2010, AS THEY STAND RIGHT NOW, along with their GUARDIAN ALPACA!!!!!!

Sphinx-like, the Guardian Alpaca vigilantly presides over the fantasy football rankings.

Sphinx-like, the Guardian Alpaca vigilantly presides over the fantasy football rankings.

1 Aaron Rodgers GB
2 Drew Brees NO
3 Tony Romo DAL
4 Peyton Manning IND
5 Philip Rivers SD
6 Matt Schaub HOU
7 Tom Brady NE
8 Joe Flacco BAL
9 Brett Favre MIN
10 Jay Cutler CHI
11 David Garrard JAX
12 Vince Young TEN
13 Eli Manning NYG
14 Matt Ryan ATL
15 Alex Smith SF
16 Jason Campbell OAK
17 Matt Leinart ARI
18 Donovan McNabb WAS
19 Matthew Stafford DET
20 Matt Cassel KC
21 Kevin Kolb PHI
22 Chad Henne MIA
23 Kyle Orton DEN
24 Carson Palmer CIN
25 Mark Sanchez NYJ
26 Matt Hasselbeck SEA
27 Josh Freeman TB
28 Sam Bradford STL

I did not project Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Matt Moore or Jimmy Claussen yet as I feel those jobs are “up for grabs.” I did not project Roethlisberger yet because I wasn’t sure at the time of the projections how many games he was suspended for.

You have beef with the projections? Leave a reply, The Foosball Wizard will debate with you disagreeing punks!!!!

 

Today, undeterred by the average February temperature of 9 degrees Fahrenheit, the NFL owners voted unanimously to host the 2014 Super Bowl in Arkhangelsk, Russia. New York/New Jersey made a strong bid, but their strategy of highlighting the benefits of a cold weather game worked against them. The owners went with an even colder site: the dark horse candidate of Arkhangelsk.

Brett Favre escapes from a pocket full of cetacean menace and rumbles for an 84 fathom touchdown scamper.

Brett Favre escapes from a pocket full of cetacean menace and rumbles for an 84 fathom touchdown.

Roger Goodell commented that “The Ice Bowl was one of the most memorable games in NFL history. Players lost fingers due to frostbite. What we want to do is take it to the next level and make it so that it is so cold even the fans lose limbs. This will be a Super Bowl to remember.”

Some have pointed out that the NFL is a passing league and that offenses will suffer in the cold weather, but Brett Favre, a veteran of cold weather games, disagrees. “I’ve played some of my best games in cold weather,” he said, “I threw for 575 yards and eight touchdowns against a pod of orcas in icy waters off the coast of Newfoundland. I think this game in Arkhangelsk will be good for the league, especially if it involves predatory animals. I’d love to play in that game this season. That is, if I don’t retire. I’m still just not sure.” Favre then winked and nudged the reporter with his elbow.

Arkhangelsk plans to help the fans stay warm by issuing bear skins and bowls of hot borscht to fans, along with boiled potatoes to stuff in their gloves and boots. When asked he had any reservations about fans from warmer areas being able to survive the city’s cold, mayor Vassily Kuznetsov replied “Once burned by milk you will blow on cold water.” When asked to clarify his statement, he said “A priest’s beard is always soaked in butter.”

You heard it first, here on THE FOOSBALL WIZARD.

Good night, and good luck.

May 212010
 
The explosive richness of a well-made Napa cabernet unleashed something in this alpaca.

The explosive richness of a well-made Napa cabernet unleashed something in this alpaca.

According to Rich Cimini, “Former QBs Drew Bledsoe and Rick Mirer, the first and second overall picks, respectively in the 1993 draft, are both in the wine-making business, separately. Mirer, an incompetent Jets backup in 1999, apparently is intoxicated (pun intended) by the whole wine thing. Explaining why he decided to get involved in wine making, Mirer writes on his web site: “The explosive richness of a well-made Napa cabernet unleashed something within me.”

Drew Bledsoe's "Walking Statue" fortified wine will make you a "Walking Statue" by midnight.

Drew Bledsoe's "Walking Statue" fortified wine will make you a "Walking Statue" by midnight.

If bad quarterbacking = good winemaking then Rick Mirer’s wines should be incredibly awesome while Drew Bledsoe’s will just be ok. I suspect Rick Mirer’s wine will hive a fine fruity bouquet and initially sweet taste with an acrid, rustic finish. After the bottle is consumed, you may find that your football team has been set back four to five years. If you are the 1999 Jets you might find that your season has gone completely down the toilet.

If you find yourself having drunk a glass of Rick Mirer’s wine I advise you to keep drinking.

 

If Ted Ginn Jr. didn’t become a football player he could’ve made a great living doing any job that didn’t require him to hold precious, fragile objects.

In honor of Ted Ginn Jr. keeping up the good fight, the Foosball Wizard is proud to present his top five list of receivers he would not throw babies to. That is, unless, he wanted to create a pile of dead and injured babies. Basically, unless it was Friday, he wouldn’t throw babies at these guys.

Do not leave your baby unattended with these wide receivers.

Do not leave your baby unattended with these wide receivers.

1) Terrell Owens – This guy has been dropping balls at a high rate for years despite being touted as the game’s top receiver (along with Randy Moss). Yes, Terrell Owens was a game breaking athlete, but he’s always had crappy hands.  Get your stale popcorn ready to watch this washed up superstar struggle to compete wherever he lands this season.

2) Ted Ginn Jr. – We’ll give Teddy the #2 slot since he was drafted so high. The subject line isn’t an untruth – The Foosball Wizard literally couldn’t stop laughing when the Dolphins wasted their pick on this loser. In addition to failing to catch the football, he plays so soft that he can be muscled out of plays without having the chance to make a drop or make a play after a miraculous reception.

3) Braylon Edwards - Braylon was elevated from #4 to #3 solely for the ball that hit him in the face that should have been a one gazillion yard touchdown for the Jets in 2009. Oh, and he drops balls all the time. Edwards’ father sums it up for us: “Am I worried about him getting a reputation for dropping the football?” Stan Edwards asked. “No. Because let’s be honest — he’s earned it.”

KABONG.

KABONG.

4) Troy Williamson - Another high draft pick with blazing speed who can’t hold on to the ball. There was talk in Minnesota that he would come around after catching 13,000 practice balls and getting laser correction on a weak eye, but it did nothing to improve his high rate of drops. Perhaps if they installed laser beams and computers on the football they could guide themselves into the wedge between Williamson’s helmet and facemask, making him a viable receiver.

5) Mario Manningham - Sometimes when I was watching a Giants game last season I wasn’t sure if it was football or some sort of slapstick comedy act. Then I noticed that there were no zany sound effects during any of Manningham’s first 3 to 4 game swinging blunders and that he actually intended to entertain me by making great football plays. Unfortunately, there were many more clownish blunders than football excellence. It was reminiscent of Oakland.

Honorable Mentions: Derek Hagan (this guy drops balls like they were flaming suitcases filled with black powder), Darrius Heyward-Bey (Who does a marvelous job dropping a high percentage of the few balls thrown his way), and budding egomaniac Dwayne Bowe.

 

In a rare blend of extreme nerdism and intense gridiron action, The Foosball Wizard is proud to bring to you the NFL Head Coach Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Alignment Chart, inspired by the SEC Coach Alignment Chart at www.everdayshouldbesaturday.com! If you notice how incredibly nerdy you are while reading this, roll a d20 and try to make a saving throw against a future of unending virginity and pepperoni hot pockets.

Can you spot the common thread between the two charts? HINT: It’s easy.

Click on the Image for a description of AD&D Alignments

Click on the Image for a description of AD&D Alignments

 
A snack is delivered to the New England Patriots' Training Camp

A snack is delivered to the New England Patriots' Training Camp

Unfortunately, the Foosball Wizard has been busy rounding up live kittens for Bill Belichick to devour and unable to write blog entries. Although the Foosball Wizard absolutely loathes Darth Belichick, the Foosball Wizard is living below the poverty line and must take any opportunity to improve his bottom line. Belichick typically eviscerates and consumes 50 live, screaming, innocent kittens per day during training camp and it is a huge contract to land. The Foosball Wizard Grocery Store & Cockfighting Arena ™ will be able to stay open at least two more months on this contract alone!

Don't touch those kittens, Belichick. They're MINE.

Don't touch those kittens, Belichick. They're MINE.

However, the Wizard took a break from hunting down these elusive and clever creatures to chime in on the Brian Cushing situation. The situation I speak of is, of course, the fact that he resembles Sloth from Goonies. Due to this, the AP decided to give voters a chance to pick a less horrific rookie of the year. After the ballot was recast, Brian Cushing still won Defensive Rookie of the Year honors.  One anonymous AP reporter was quoted as saying “Jack Lambert won Defensive Rookie of the Year and children screamed whenever they saw his face. I didn’t feel it was ethical to take the award away from Cushing.”

Bill Belichick was unavailable to comment, as his mouth was full of sweet, succulent kittens delivered by a swank new eatery in Bed-Stuy.

AP Photo/David J. Philip

AP Photo/David J. Philip

 
Rasta Alpaca says "Praise be to Ricky Williams, mon!"

Rasta Alpaca says "Praise be to Ricky Williams, mon!"

Dear Foosball Wizard,

Any hack can claim to be a wizard and rely on their pseudo-science! I AM THE REAL THING! I AM THE WIZARD YOU WILL DEAL WITH!

Any hack can claim to be a wizard and rely on their pseudo-science! I AM THE REAL THING! I AM THE WIZARD YOU WILL DEAL WITH!

Some of your readers (read: at least one) would really know what your take on this young new Philadelphia team is. The other day, we traded away aging defensive cornerstone Dawkins and this year we’ve got an offense barely out of diapers. I have all the faith in the world in in McCoy, in particular, but what do you see Kolb and the boys doing this year? In the more distant future?

Devotedly Yours,
Jeff (Marlton, NJ)

Jeff, you have asked the right wizard about your problems. The wrong wizard has been sought in the past. Fortunately, you have contacted a real wizard not some fraud punk without the credentials (or alpacas.) I’m not a huge Kolb fan, but I am a big fan of the Eagles organization – they’ve had a well run organization in Philadelphia for quite a while now. Kolb put up statistically impressive performances in his few starts, but they were against soft defenses – New Orleans and Kansas City. Also notable was the fact that Kolb threw three interceptions against the Saints, which isn’t terribly damning since the Saints run an aggressive scheme that forces turnovers, but it is still a warning sign. Hopefully the Eagles have seen enough of Kolb off the field that they are confident he will be, at the very least, a solid starter. Moreso than missing Dawkins, who was a talented safety (albeit a bit slow and long in the tooth these days) the Eagles will miss Jim Johnson who passed away last year. He was a true defensive genius and one of the greatest coordinators of the modern era. Sean McDermott has big shoes to fill and it showed some last year. The Eagles youth movement will have some growing pains, but one facet the Eagles now shine in is one that has been their Achilles heel for years – wide receiver! DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin will help the Eagles forget the nightmare that was Freddie Mitchell, Todd Pinkston, Hank “Hell in a Hand” Baskett and their ilk. I wonder if the Eagles will still be as pass wacky without McNabb? We will find out! Don’t worry about Baskett, Eagles fans. His playmate ex-wife is apparently shopping her sex tape with an ex for cash!

Aside from speculation that someone switched the brain and nerve tonic in Al Davis’s morning coffee to common sense, is it possible that the release of JaMungus Russell will also be seen as 1: -=THE=- Draft Bust of our times and 2: ammunition for the Owners to regulate a rookie salary cap and lower it considering the financial investment and crippling effect one player can have on a team as well as the league. Jason, NJ

If anyone encounters this on the streets of Brooklyn, immediately return it to the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy. It is very dangerous and your puny mortal minds cannot comprehend the horrors it contains.

If anyone encounters this on the streets of Brooklyn, immediately return it to the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy. It is very dangerous and your puny mortal minds cannot comprehend the horrors it contains.

That’s actually two questions, Jason. However, I have no readers and your extra question is a delicious bonus to the Foosball Wizard! I am in the process of completing a catering order for a coven of witches currently convening at a Holiday Inn in upstate New York. They just arrived this Sunday and are staying all week, but they have already devoured the arctic seal pup pirogies that I prepared for them! I had to fly up to the polar region myself and club five hundred pounds of them personally! It is not easy running the Foosball Wizard grocery store in Bed-Stuy. Some thugs broke in and stole some rare (and dangerous) magical artifacts that I had stowed in the deep fryer. There is a slight chance it could cause a global catastrophe, but more likely they will just have their souls sucked into a hell dimension.

Anyway, back to football, my greatest passion besides bludgeoning animals for food! I think JaMarcus Russell is probably the second biggest bust in past twenty years of the NFL behind Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf cost the Chargers so much more in draft picks and destroyed Bobby Beathard’s career, so I just have to hand him the crown. As for the rookie salary cap? I’m sure the owners would love to lower it. A lot of the veterans would like to see those big rookie bucks going to more deserving veteran players, too. Or perhaps re-routed to a fund that cares for aging football players? The Foosball Wizard agrees – it is foolish to give young, unproven players the biggest bucks in the game. Save that for the players who deserve it! The NFL has it all backwards!

 
Lawrence Taylor - Making Ben Roethlisberger Look Good Since 2010

Lawrence Taylor - Making Ben Roethlisberger Look Good Since 2010

No, that’s not a photo of Lawrence Taylor with the underage prostitute he’s accused of raping. This is a depiction of a different kind of abuse – subjecting viewers to terrible television.

Lawrence Taylor will apparently be the latest NFL player in the news for the wrong reasons – not a first for the famous crack-cocaine enthusiast and jangly earring wearer. Honestly, those big diamond encrusted “LT” earrings always screamed “crack smoking rapist” to me.

Lawrence Taylor’s wife is claiming that it’s all a conspiracy. This is very likely as Lawrence Taylor has made many enemies over the years – enemies as varied as the Stasi, the Illuminati, PETA and the People’s Liberation Front of Lemuria, a Luddite eco-terrorist group. Eager to tarnish Taylor’s image and stop him from bringing their Machiavellian schemes to a halt, they without doubt set Taylor up.

This dollar, found in Taylor's wallet, shows that he was close to figuring out the Illuminati's secrets.

This dollar, found in Taylor's wallet, shows that he was close to figuring out the Illuminati's secrets.

Ben Roethlisberger, when told the details of today’s Lawrence Taylor arrest, was quoted as saying “lol wut?”

 
MEANWHILE, IN NEW ORLEANS....

MEANWHILE, IN NEW ORLEANS....

So, Joe Vitt, Sean Payton, and Loomis might be in trouble. Unlike Ben Roethlisberger or Michael Vick, do we really care, as fans? It’s hard to cheer for a bozo like Roethlisberger, but if Vitt and Payton are nomming pills they’re only hurting themselves.

Besides, they weren’t breaking into players’ houses to steal pills like Ryan Leaf.

 
Jimmy Claussen arrives in Charlotte, NC from his secret headquarters in the polar ice cap.

Jimmy Claussen arrives in Charlotte, NC from his secret headquarters in the polar ice cap.

Do you buy the Todd McShay Claussen hate?

The Panthers might not either, considering they drafted Claussen and that he, according to Pat Yasinkas at ESPN, couldn’t be more humble and amiable with his teammates.

Among rookie quarterbacks, Claussen will probably be the only one of any fantasy value this season.

In related news, Tim Tebow arrived in camp at Denver bathed in golden light and accompanied by a chorus of angels.

I saw in the night visions, and, behold, one like the Son of man came with the clouds of heaven, and came to the Ancient of days, and they brought him near before him. And there was given him dominion, and glory, and a kingdom, that all people, nations, and languages, should serve him: his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom that which shall not be destroyed. -Daniel 7:13-14

I saw in the night visions, and, behold, one like the Son of man came with the clouds of heaven, and came to the Ancient of days, and they brought him near before him. And there was given him dominion, and glory, and a kingdom, that all people, nations, and languages, should serve him: his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom that which shall not be destroyed. -Daniel 7:13-14

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