Today, undeterred by the average February temperature of 9 degrees Fahrenheit, the NFL owners voted unanimously to host the 2014 Super Bowl in Arkhangelsk, Russia. New York/New Jersey made a strong bid, but their strategy of highlighting the benefits of a cold weather game worked against them. The owners went with an even colder site: the dark horse candidate of Arkhangelsk.

Brett Favre escapes from a pocket full of cetacean menace and rumbles for an 84 fathom touchdown scamper.

Brett Favre escapes from a pocket full of cetacean menace and rumbles for an 84 fathom touchdown.

Roger Goodell commented that “The Ice Bowl was one of the most memorable games in NFL history. Players lost fingers due to frostbite. What we want to do is take it to the next level and make it so that it is so cold even the fans lose limbs. This will be a Super Bowl to remember.”

Some have pointed out that the NFL is a passing league and that offenses will suffer in the cold weather, but Brett Favre, a veteran of cold weather games, disagrees. “I’ve played some of my best games in cold weather,” he said, “I threw for 575 yards and eight touchdowns against a pod of orcas in icy waters off the coast of Newfoundland. I think this game in Arkhangelsk will be good for the league, especially if it involves predatory animals. I’d love to play in that game this season. That is, if I don’t retire. I’m still just not sure.” Favre then winked and nudged the reporter with his elbow.

Arkhangelsk plans to help the fans stay warm by issuing bear skins and bowls of hot borscht to fans, along with boiled potatoes to stuff in their gloves and boots. When asked he had any reservations about fans from warmer areas being able to survive the city’s cold, mayor Vassily Kuznetsov replied “Once burned by milk you will blow on cold water.” When asked to clarify his statement, he said “A priest’s beard is always soaked in butter.”

You heard it first, here on THE FOOSBALL WIZARD.

Good night, and good luck.


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