Lawrence Taylor appears here at a furry convention with a minor whose name has been withheld due to the current proceedings.

Lawrence Taylor appears here at a furry convention with a minor whose name has been withheld due to the current proceedings.

Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor has been indicted on a plethora of charges that would make Ben Roethlisberger blush.

Taylor contends that he did nothing to his 16 year old accuser that he didn’t do to Joe Theismann, who suffered a compound leg fracture in 1985 after alleged contact with Taylor.

Taylor insisted at the time that although he paid Joe Theismann $300 for sex, all he did was hug him. Unfortunately, this shows that Lawrence Taylor’s actions have become more extreme over the years and have targeted younger victims. In the Foosball Wizard’s opinion we had better lock him up before anything more terrifying than the photo on the right occurs.

Jun 132010
 

The Oakland Raiders have issued a press release in support of famous ball dropper, Darius Heyward-Bey. Perhaps they are regretting not drafting famous crab apple, Michael Crabtree? Knowing Al Davis, probably not. They are probably more concerned that maniacal, bloodthirsty Raiders fans are upset with the organization. Check out the Raiders’ press release on espn.com.

A villainous meeting of the top brass of the Oakland Raiders organization.

A villainous meeting of the top brass of the Oakland Raiders organization.

If you don’t feel like reading a piece of Raiders’ propaganda, I will provide a precis below. However, can you honestly pass up a chance to read Raiders’ press statements? They are usually only second in hilarity to press releases from North Korea, which really is just a macrocosm of the Oakland Raiders organization, with Kim Jong Il standing in as Al Davis.

OAKLAND RAIDERS PRESS RELEASE PRECIS

1) The Oakland Raiders are the greatest both in performance and personnel throughout NFL History.

2) Some of those personnel were obviously wide receivers, such as Willie Gault, Art Powell, Andre Rison, Warren Wells, Bob Chandler, Fred Biletnikoff, Jerry Rice, Cliff Branch, Tim Brown, James Lofton, Randy Moss. Some wide receivers, such as Lance Alworth, did not play for the Raiders, but were coached by Al Davis.

3) Since Darius Heyward-Bey is A) A wide receiver B) Plays for the Raiders and is C) presumably receiving some sort of coaching from Al Davis he will, absolutely and necessarily, turn into a great wide receiver.

The best way to prove a deductive argument incorrect is to provide a counter example where all the premises of the argument are true but the result is different. The Foosball Wizard cannot help but wonder what went wrong with Javon Walker, Ashley Lelie,  Doug Gabriel and Alvis “Has Left the Building” Whitted. They were all wide receivers who played for the Raiders and could have even received some bonus coaching from Al Davis!


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