1) CAROLINA PANTHERS – CAM NEWTON QB

The first bad pick of the draft is the first pick of the draft. Cam Newton is slightly different than Vince Young, with slightly higher a chance of success, and he will fail. I swear, NFL teams never learn. At least he may put some butts in the seats. I would’ve taken Ryan Mallet over Newton in a heartbeat, or any other top rated QB not named Jake Locker. There are still two winners with this pick though: Cam Newton and Cam Newton’s mother.

2) DENVER BRONCOS – VON MILLER LB

Good pick by Denver. Fills a need. I don’t think he’ll have trouble adjusting schemes. Small linebackers can still play (See J. Vilma). He’s not a Vernon Gholston, IMO.

The other Texas A&M player taken #2 overall was evidently Quentin Coryatt. DON’T JINX HIM, ESPN, JESUS. BTW – HOW AWESOME ARE VON MILLER’S GLASSES?

3) BUFFALO BILLS – MARCEL DAREUS DT

This guy looks pretty good, but I’ve gotten my wizard panties all wet over DTs many a time before. (See Glen Dorsey, N. Suh.) High Risk, High Reward. Fills a need for Buffalo. Not a bad pick, but a little gamble-ish. Unfortunately, Nick Saban handed him his Bills hat so it’s all covered in Saban taint now. If the Bills hit this one, it’s out of the park. Definitely better than John McCargo (lol.) That play they showed where he NOMMED a scrambling Cam Newton was pretty amazing.

4) CINCY BENGALS – A.J. GREEN WR

Classic Bengals. Their starting QB without Carson Palmer is who…. JORDAN PALMER? So they take a wide receiver when they have some promising young receivers on their team. Another awesome move by the team with the NFL’s smallest scouting department. An argument can be made about “best player on the board” here, but given the fact that the Bengals might have an immediate need at QB and at the very least will need one in the next couple years, this pick becomes questionable. If they trade up to get a QB I may forgive them. Or if Dan LeFevour turns out to be Jesus and next season is THE RAPTURE.

5) ARIZONA CARDINALS – PATRICK PETERSON CB

Taking a page from the Bengals, another team with QB problems drafts a CB. Good luck getting a veteran QB that doesn’t stink up the joint. They were the only team that could have been improved by having Matt Leinart on their roster last season. That said, Peterson looks like an excellent to ELITE cornerback, so they at least got a good player. If they get Dalton or someone late in the 1st round I will change my opinion of their pick, similar to the Bengals.

6) ATLANTA FALCONS – JULIO JONES WR

I’m not that high on Julio Jones. I don’t like receivers with speed questions (not that Jones’ speed is terrible) or hands questions. That said, if Julio Jones shapes up, he could be pretty decent. Considering the price Atlanta paid to trade up, I don’t like the pick. Falcons got ripped off by Mike “WALRUS #2” Holmgren. (Andy Reid is still Walrus #1.)

I will note once again, I don’t like taking “high risk” positions at high picks, unless they look really special. These include DTs, QBs, and WRs.

7) SAN FRANCISO  49ers- ALDON SMITH DE

lol wut? I don’t like this pick for SF. I’m not enamored with Smith, who is relatively young, doesn’t have a large body of work in college, and struggled some with double teams. However, now some lucky team might be able to get a QB they want.

8) TENNESSEE TITANS – JAKE LOCKER QB

HAHAH I ALMOST SPIT OUT MY SOUP. Accuracy issues, poor pocket presence, this guy should be a bigger disaster than Cam Newton. Worst pick of the draft so far. Poor Titans fans. Zero chance of success. They will favorably look back upon Vince Young. This is the greatest condemnation I can put on this pick.

9) DALLAS COWBOYS – TYRON SMITH OL

Offensive line was an area of need for the Cowboys, and Smith is the first OL off the board. Smith put on some weight (which was needed) has a great build, and there’s no problems with him that can’t be taught. Excellent pick by the Cowboys.

10) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – BLAINE GABBERT QB

I don’t know that Blaine Gabbert is the best QB left on the board, but he’s definitely a solid pick. I feel the same way about him as I did about Matt Leinart. Of course, that didn’t turn out too well for the Cardinals. I think he’s a little more intelligent and football oriented than Leinart.

11) HOUSTON TEXANS – J.J. WATT DL

Incredibly versatile DL with intangibles who can play anywhere on the line. I think he’ll be better than Amobi Okoye. This is one of those defensive lineman you can feel OK about taking a chance on. You still have to worry about that historically awful defensive backfield the Texans fielded last season if you’re a Texans fan.

12) MINNESOTA – CHRISTIAN PONDER QB

Everyone is surprised but me. I really like Christian Ponder. This is a great pick by the Vikings, IMO. Great intangibles, tight QB. My vote for president in the next election.

13) DETROIT LIONS – NICK FAIRLEY DT

Wow, Jim Schwartz must have a lot of pull in the organization, because they’re building a Jim Schwartz defense there in Detroit. He loves those dynamic, talented defensive lines and Fairley will join Vandenbosch and Suh on the Lions DL. If Fairley is the real deal, that could be terrifying. Fairley also has pretty much won my “Best Dressed” award for the draft with that blingin’ bracelet that looks like something they would track Lindsay Lohan with, the bowtie, and the glasses.

14) ST. LOUIS RAMS – ROBERT QUINN (Now with less tumors!)

There’s a lot more potential for BUST with Robert Quinn than Von Miller. He’s not a very physical pass rusher, but a superb speed rusher. He’ll have to be more diverse with his skills in the NFL.

15) MIAMI – POUNCEY VERSION 2.0

The brother of a slightly overrated offensive lineman also named Pouncey, this will solidify a not so good Dolphins offensive line. However, the Dolphins still have no QB. It seems like a lot of teams are waiting on QBs. Will there be a QB there for ALL OF THEM LATER ON? TUNE IN LATER TO FIND OUT! (SPOILER: NO.)

16) WASHINGTON – RYAN KERRIGAN DE

I’m not very impressed by Ryan Kerrigan. He might be OK, but the most important thing about this pick is that it’s a vote of confidence for Rex Grossman. Why is this important, you ask? Because it is the last vote of confidence Rex Grossman will ever get, and he’s had about three more than he should have gotten.

17) THE EPITOME OF EVIL AMONGST FOOTBALL TEAMS – NATE SOLDER OT

I guess Belichick thinks they’ll work the rough edges of this physical specimen. Who coached this kid in college anyway? They must be ashamed! Could be great, could be terrible. We’ll see.

18) SAN DIEGO – COREY LIUGET DE

Not bad, Chargers. This is a somewhat solid pick and I have very little to say about it. This guy can play DT in a 4-3 or end in a 3-4.

19) NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS – PRINCE AMUKAMARA DB

This is a steal for the Giants. I actually had a dream that the Giants would draft him last night and I laughed at its improbability, like when I have a dream that the Jacksonville Jaguars have moved to Alaska and are now called the Anchorage Inuits. However, it seems to has happened. A great pick for the Jets’ little brothers, the Giants!

20) TAMPA BAY – ADRIAN CLAYBORN DE

I’m not so worried about Clayborn’s palsy problem as I am about how he sometimes got OWNED by superior blockers in college. Jury’s out on him, IMO. Position of need for Tampa, whose Dungy defenses of yore are now a distant memory.

21) CLEVELAND – PHIL TAYLOR DT

No Phil Taylor for Jets, *SOB*! This guy could be really good and his value comes from the fact that he could be a prototypical 3-4 NT. However, he has all kinds of issues that could make him a complete disaster (Work Ethic/Character issues.)

22) INDIANAPOLIS – ANTHONY COSTANZO OL

Position of need for the Colts and good value. I expect nothing less of Bill Polian, arrogant football genius.

23) PHILADELPHIA – DANNY WATKINS OL

The Eagles take an old firefighter. ESPN is right – Philadelphia will love this guy. He fills a position of need and is much better than the last OLD GUY draft pick, Chris Weinke.

24) NEW ORLEANS – CAMERON JORDAN DE

Great value for the Saints. Fills a need. I was hoping the Jets would get him, but it was unrealistic. Can’t find any faults with this pick.

25) SEATTLE – JAMES CARPENTER OT

When your QB’s age is approaching that of a Bronze Age man found well preserved in a bog, it’s good to draft an offensive lineman. OR A GODDAMNED QB, BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO NEED ONE SOON IF YOU DON’T ALREADY. QBS LEFT ON BOARD WITH 1ST ROUND ABILITY: MALLET, DALTON. IF MALLET’S WEIRDNESS TURNS YOU OFF, TAKE DALTON. GOOD GOD, MAN! CHARLIE WHITEHURST IS NOT THE FUTURE! HE IS JUST A HIPPIE DUDE WHO LOOKS LIKE JESUS.

26) KANSAS CITY – JOHNATHAN BALDWIN WR

I guess the Ravens failed to get their pick in? Decent pick for KC, they’re pretty solid on defense and everywhere on offense but WR. They believe in Cassel and he was passable last year, so might as well go Baldwin if you like your QB.

27) BALTIMORE – JIMMY SMITH CB

Ravens get the guy they wanted even though they slipped. HUGE need for Baltimore. Perfect synergy of relative draft position and need, only way the Ravens could’ve done better is if they traded up to the Giants’ spot for a PRINCE.

28) NEW ORLEANS – MARK INGRAM RB

New Orleans grabs Mark Ingram. Retards. He will underperform.

29) CHICAGO – GABE CARIMI OT

Need pick. Maybe Jay Cutler will survive next season. Bears OL so needed an upgrade that I might have disagreed if they took any other position with this pick.

30) NEW YORK JETS – MOHAMMAD WILKERSON DT

Can slide all over the place on the line for Jets. Hopefully now they’ll have some skilled pash rush, since all of the Jets’ pressure is scheme and not skill as things stand.

31) PITTSBURGH – CAM “SON OF IRONHEAD” HEYWARD DE

Eight defensive ends chosen in the first round. YOWZA. I learned a long time ago that betting that the Steelers made a good pick every time will net me a good correct guess ratio.

32) GREEN BAY – DERREK SHERROD OL

Keep the current best QB in the NFL, Aaron Rodgers, upright. Excellent choice, Green Bay. Can’t wait to see where Dalton and Mallet end up.

 


 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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