I’ve selected the two best questions send to the Foosball Wizard for answering. Also, they were the only questions regarding football. The rest of the questions all wanted to know whether I wanted to buy Mexican codeine or Viagra, or perhaps claim a great deal of money in Iraq or Nigeria. Unfortunately, football is my area of expertise, not erectile dysfunction, so I will stick to what I know.


From:
Pats ain’t half bad

 

Why are we not overrun by donuts like we are plagued by deer? Their natural predator, Rex Ryan, keeps our ecosystem balanced.

Why are we not overrun by donuts like we are plagued by deer? Their natural predator, Rex Ryan, keeps our ecosystem balanced.

Message:
Foosball Wizard, what are your thoughts on the Patriots trade for
Albert Haynesworth? And more importantly who wins the pie eating
contest between Haynesworth and Rex when the Jets come to town.

It was a very savvy trade by the Patriots. Haynesworth restructured his contract and will be making (I believe) around $1.5 million this year with NO guaranteed money. Shaun Ellis will be making far more this year. That’s very little risk and a very high upside, as Haynesworth was one of the best DTs in the league before he went to Washington and turned into an expensive mound of hot dogs and melted ice cream. Haynesworth’s base salary goes up in the second year of the deal, if the Patriots decide to keep him, with a very modest roster and workout bonus due to him in 2012. It doesn’t get much more low risk than that. They gave up a fifth round pick, similar to the Jets’ deal for Santonio Holmes, and we know how that worked out for the Jets. Haynesworth could turn out to be a similar boon for the Patriots.

As for the pie, whenever eating sugary treats or running a 46 influenced defense is involved, always bet on Rex Ryan.

Washington felt the sting of a large bonus with Haynesworth, but the Patriots could feel safe signing Mushmouth to play DT for a restructured contract like that.

Washington felt the sting of a large bonus with Haynesworth, but the Patriots could feel safe signing Mushmouth to play DT for a restructured contract like that.

From:
The Contract Devil

Message:

Holdouts are going to be under more scrutiny then ever I think this
pre-season. With OTA’s missed from the lockout there are more injuries
happening left and right with players in camps now. Some players like
DeSean Jackson have reported to camp on the last possible day so they
get the year towards free agency. Others like Chris Johnson are
sitting out with the, “Pay me my money!” And my favorite Osi who is
upset that the Giants accepted his previous demands of a re-negotiated
front-loaded contract, now at the back end he claims to be underpaid.
With the CBA now in stone, do you think players are still going to
complain about how they are paid by comparison, clauses, and sitting
out fearing injury? And more so, teams not paying -this- year cause of
injury.

Unfortunately for the players, they will still be complaining. Football’s a violent sport, and their contracts are not fully guaranteed like a baseball player’s. They do have the recourse of demanding signing bonuses which are guaranteed, but depending on the market, they might find a big signing bonus hard to get. Of course, a case like Umenyiora’s, where his contract was frontloaded, have no reason to be complaining. Chris Johnson is demanding an absurd amount of money for a running back right now, and I have the feeling the Titans will end up (perhaps unwisely) overpaying to keep him. On the other hand, Johnson is being savvy. He’s not the biggest running back in the world and they’ve worked him pretty hard. A running back’s life is short, and he better grab the money while the grabbing is good. The NFL treats old running backs like used up, lame racehorses: it takes them out back and shoots them. That being said, his astronomical demands are a bit much.

 

Aug 142011
 

Last week this blog received a google hit from India “Alpaca in a Bears Helmet.”

Thanks to one of my loyal five or six readers, no one will ever want for an alpaca in a Bears helmet again.

Our first user submitted alpaca, courtesy of Dave Fishman.

Our first user submitted alpaca, courtesy of Dave Fishman.

 
Plax, is that a loaded Glock in your waistband, or are you just happy to see me?

Plax, is that a loaded Glock in your waistband, or are you just happy to see me?

Interesting interview with Plaxico Burress expounded on by Manish Mehta.

It’s hard to tell what to think about Burress after reading this article. You’d think maybe he was humbled when he mentions being in a cell 16-17 hours day, doing manual labor and crying in prison. Then you read something like this:

““I just have that confidence and belief in myself that I’m going to go out there and play at a high level,” Burress said. “Then, everybody is going to go back to scratching their head again. How does he do it? How did he not practice and do it? He’s been away for two years… How does he do it?””

Maybe that sprained ankle will let him know that it’s going to take a little practice to even be a shadow of what he once was when he was a younger receiver.

““I don’t take no sh– from nobody,” Burress said about his perceived public image. “You got earn my respect as a person. You got love for me. I got love for you.””

Sorry, Plaxico. I think you’ve got to earn everyone’s respect as a person again… and as a player.

 

 

Exhibit One: Skip Bayless couldn’t cast a magical spell if you shoved a unicorn up his ass and covered him in glitter. Therefore, he is not fit to even contribute on a site dedicated to Foosball Wizardry.

Exhibit Two: On his list of the handsomest quarterbacks in the NFL, Skip Bayless doesn’t even include Tom Brady. Even though I loathe Tom Brady, I cannot tolerate this oversight related to the paradigm of comeliness.

Exhibit Three: At the end of this video, Skip Bayless suggests the Jets’ go after Osi Umenyiora. Osi Umeniyora is 4-3 end who doesn’t fit at all in the Jets’ defensive system.

Remember, folks: a great deal of the people who you see on TV or writing about sports are not well informed. Even a humble Foosball Wizard knows more than some of them.

WHAT? WHY IS JOE KAPP NOT LISTED?

WHAT? WHY IS JOE KAPP NOT LISTED?

Aug 062011
 

THE BOSS IS GONE!

Hopefully Travis Beckham is ready to play for the Giants and Ramses Barden is ready to pick up some red zone targets.

Outside of Santonio Holmes’ resigning, free agency has not been kind to the New York Jets or the New York Football Giants. It gets worse when you consider all the firepower the Giants’ divisional rivals, the Eagles have added.

We gotta get out while we're young, 'cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

We gotta get out while we're young, 'cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

 

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