Foosball Wizard

Sep 202012
We'll be seeing this a lot this week, except the Redskin will be an Eagle.

We’ll be seeing this a lot this week, except the Redskin will be an Eagle.

Went 11-4 last week, Missing on Oakland, New Orleans, Baltimore and just like the rest of the world, New England. This week, I’m picking in time for the Thursday game!

NY Giants at Carolina (Without Hakeem Nicks the Giants lose this one. Whoever doesn’t get covered by Corey Webster puts up big numbers.)

St. Louis at Chicago (Good Jay Cutler shows up this week.)

Tampa Bay at Dallas (The Bucs win but Greg Schiano causes a controversy when he hits Jason Garrett in the knee with a tire iron during the handshake, because the Bucs never quit, even when time has run out.)

Jacksonville at Indianapolis (The Jaguar disaster tour continues with another loss. Two words: Guy Whimper. Should be the Jaguar’s mascot.)

Buffalo at Cleveland (C.J. Spiller breaks the single game rushing record with 500 yards. Cleveland decides to cancel the rest of the season.)

NY Jets at Miami (Jets pummel Tannehill and win, despite the linebackers totaling 23 missed tackles on Reggie Bush.)

Kansas City at New Orleans (New Orleans finally runs into someone they can beat. This basically works for any team that is playing a team coached by Romeo Crennell.)

Cincinnati at Washington (RGIII wins in a shootout, is anointed as the second coming of Christ as he torches a terrible defense.)

San Francisco at Minnesota (The most dominating defense in football dominates again. The talent SF has on defense at each position is frightening.)

Detroit at Tennessee (Jim Schwartz gets a win against the team he used to coach for. Jake Locker completes 5% of his passes, slightly above his average.)

Atlanta at Chargers (The Chargers revert to their Norv Turner ways.)

Philadelphia at Arizona (Kolb gets Kolberred* and Arizona’s underrated D is not enough to win it.) *See what I did there?

Pittsburgh at Oakland (Oakland is actually worse than Cleveland. You heard it first, here, on the Foosball Wizard.)

Houston at Denver (Denver is tough at home, but Houston is really good. They’re still underrated.)

New England at Baltimore (Can Baltimore do it without Suggs? I think they can since Hernandez is out.)

Green Bay at Seattle (Green Bay pulls off the difficult trick of beating Seattle in Seattle.)



Ben Roethlisberger: The guy is magic, even if he’s a sexual predator. He masks the shortcomings of an offensive line like no one I’ve seen besides Peyton Manning, except he does it more with brawn and moxie than intelligence. The Steelers win was more due to him than anyone else on their team today, and that is often the case.

Ryan Clark: The guy doesn’t get enough credit, but he wasn’t on the field vs Denver and that was felt in their loss. You didn’t see him blow too many things up this evening, but he was part of the reason the Steelers didn’t miss Polamalu as much as expected.

Garrett McIntyre: The only guy on the Jets defense who mastered the surprisingly rare ability of tackling Ben Roethlisberger.


Mark Sanchez: Last week’s beautiful princess turned into this week’s bleating, incompetent goat. Communications issues continued with the WR corps, and given the fact that it seems to extend to every WR on the Jets’ roster, you have to look towards the QB. Let the Tebow talk begin.

Bart Scott: He may be lighter and faster, but he’s still missing tackles after his big miss on Spiller last week.

The Jets’ Medical Staff: Shonn Greene pretty obviously suffered a concussion in the first half. Sanchez ushered a dizzy, off balance Greene from the field. He came back and still looked out of sorts.


He didn’t get many snaps, but if there was any time Jets fans wanted to see more Tebow, it was probably today. Sanchez was horrific in the 2nd half. Tebow had a nice 22 yard run but didn’t produce anything else in limited snaps. After the game, Rex Ryan insinuated that less Tebow plays were run because the injured Shonn Greene is heavily involved in a lot of those plays. I’m sure future opponents will take note of that.

This will be a common reaction for Browns fans in week 2 and beyond. (image from

This will be a common reaction for Browns fans in week 2 and beyond. (image from

None of that spread nonsense. You shouldn’t be gambling on football anyway. That stuff is CRAZY RANDOM.

Since Green Bay already played Chicago, I won’t be counting that one. Obviously, I would’ve chosen Green Bay.

Kansas City at Buffalo (Buffalo isn’t as bad as they looked against the Jets, although they’re not great.)

New Orleans at Carolina (Carolina’s defense isn’t ready to deal with the Saints yet.)

Cleveland at Cincinnatti (Brandon Weedon’s debut was one of the most disturbingly horrific rookie QB starts I’ve ever seen.)

Minnesota at Indianapolis (This one’s more of a push, but I think Indy pulls this one off.)

Houston at Jacksonville (Jacksonville can’t compete with a talented Houston squad unless Arian Foster’s leg comes off during a run… and he still might hop to the endzone)

Oakland at Miami (Miami looks disastrous this year, and even if Oakland has to start Rod Streator, an undrafted FA at WR again, they will still win.)

Arizona at New England (Arizona has a chance, but not much of one against one of the scariest offenses in the league.)

Tampa Bay at New York Giants (An angry New York Giants squad is likely to win this tilt at home. I’m still a little surprised TB won in week one.)

Baltimore at Philadelphia (Philly struggled against the Browns last week, and it’s hard to see them beating Baltimore with Maclin and Jackson hurting.)

Dallas at Seattle (Dallas is going to have a hard time traveling to Seattle and playing the traditionally strong at home Seahawks. Especially with the Cowboys’ o-line being a total mess.)

Washington at St. Louis (Should be a close game, but with a talent like RG3 on the Redskins this could easily go their way in a big way.)

New York Jets at Pittsburgh (I have a lot of trouble seeing the Jets take out Pittsburgh at home minus Revis and Keller, but a Pittsburgh team minus Troy Polamalu is a lot easier to beat. If Polamalu doesn’t play they could pull this off.)

Tennessee at San Diego (Not particularly high on either of these teams, but San Diego is more talented and they’re at home.)

Detroit at San Francisco (I hope Harbaugh has a proper victory handshake prepared this time.)

Denver at Atlanta (Even without Roddy White, I think Atlanta has this. I am not sold on the reborn Peyton Manning yet. I need to see him effectively throw the ball downfield some more.)

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK: Cincinatti (In week one I took Houston over Miami)

In my week one picks I went 12-3. (Giants vs Dallas was not included, as I made my picks after that game was played.)

Can you trust this man to throw a football?

Can you trust this man to throw a football?


Stephen Hill: 5 catches, 89 yards, 2 TDs. He didn’t look NFL ready in the preseason, but he looked great in his regular season debut. Despite his rare combination of size and speed, Hill fell out of the first round because he was in an unorthodox run heavy college offense. It’s the same offense Calvin Johnson played in during college.

Mark Sanchez: He really looked like a different QB out there today, but Sparano’s offense is much more Sanchez friendly. A run heavy offense that plays to Sanchez’s strength (play action passing) and results in easy to digest single high safety looks are perfect for him. The Bills’ secondary was so dreadful I feel like we still have to wait and see with Sanchez, but he’s looking good so far.

C.J. Spiller: The lone bright spot for the Bills. Fred Jackson is injured again and it may be Spiller’s time to shine. He showed his great ability to pick up yards after the catch today, and he runs really well in space – something the Bills’ spread offense creates.


Ryan Fitzpatrick: This looked like the Ryan Fitzpatrick that struggled mightily down the stretch last year. The Bills placed the blame on injury, but Fitzpatrick isn’t injured now.

Mario Williams: He was double teamed and chipped by the Jets today, but he was invisible. That’s a lot of money to pay a guy who is invisible. He should be having an effect even when double teamed, especially when one of the double teamers is a guy who is making his second career start at tackle.

The Bills Secondary: They were absolutely shredded today by a Jets WR corps that consists of rookies, retreads and unknowns behind Santonio Holmes. Jairus Byrd even looked awful. The Jets receivers may be a little better than expected, but the Bills should not be getting shredded by these guys.


The bulked up Tebow looked slow and was ineffective when he played. The Jets put him in for his first goal line attempt in the second half, and they were called for delay of game. If this keeps up we won’t be seeing a lot of “wildcat” when the Jets offense is on the field.


Sep 072012
This is the least related image that comes up in google images for a search with "Jeff Tedford QB."

This is the least related image that comes up in google images for a search with “Jeff Tedford QB.”


Remember when Aaron Rodgers was just a “Jeff Tedford QB?”

If any of you having something to say about it, the most intelligent response will appear in the next column. Click on Herman Edwards’ beautiful face on the right, and send it in.

If you started David Wilson in one of your fantasy leagues, you were also crying.

If you started David Wilson in one of your fantasy leagues, you were also crying.


Tony Romo – People bash Romo far too much. Given, he was playing against a decimated Giants defensive backfield tonight, but the offensive line he was playing behind is a joke – a joke which lost their center early in the game and replaced him with a guy who’s been on the team for about 9 days or so. Romo kept plays alive with his feet and carried the rest of the offense on his back. The only blemish on his game tonight was the early interception to Boley.

DeMarco Murray – Murray ran really well tonight. I hope Felix Jones is nice and comfortable on the bench, because that’s where he’ll be staying as long as Murray remains healthy.

Martellus Bennett – Bennett flashed a little tonight, including a pretty amazing clutch TD catch. Let’s see if he can keep it up. He had a big head in Dallas, hopefully it doesn’t get too large.


Giants CBs – Yeah, they’re suffering from some injuries, but even Corey Webster didn’t play well tonight. He was smoked for a TD on a double move by Ogletree while he was busy looking at the QB. Huge area of concern for the Giants here. They need Amukamura back fast. Or at least Coe.

Cowboys OL – Lots of penalties and they were pretty disastrous on top of that. The Cowboys were able to compensate with some quick slants aimed at the Giants’ decimated secondary, but they’re not going to be able to get away with that every week.

David Wilson – He fumbled and was never heard from again except for kick returns. After his fumble he was crying on the sideline and Coughlin couldn’t even bring himself to yell at him. 


Don’t count on Kevin Ogletree performing like that all year. He wasn’t exactly matching up against a star studded cast in the Giants’ secondary, although he did burn Corey Webster for one of those touchdowns. DeMarco Murray is looking very promising as a #1 fantasy RB, but this was not unexpected. He was probably drafted in the top ten of every fantasy football league. Witten is still recovering from a lacerated spleen and didn’t put any numbers up tonight, but I doubt it’ll stay that way. If David Wilson keeps fumbling like he did in college Bradshaw is going to get more touches than he usually gets this year. If one of your TEs gets murdered this week, Martellus Bennett is probably available on your waiver wire. 

It looks like Gasol has been sheared recently.

It looks like Gasol has been sheared recently.

Unlike Sex Panther, The Jets Offense Only Works 3% of the Time.

Unlike Sex Panther, The Jets Offense Only Works 3% of the Time.

If this works well, I might make this a feature for all games I watch this season. When it’s not a Jets game, I’ll just toss something else in there besides Tebow.

The Good:

Kenrick Ellis – Wow, it’s like night and day looking at Ellis last year and this year. He had a batted pass and disrupted plays all night. I wasn’t feeling too warm about Ellis last year, but he looked good last week and he looked great this week.

LaRon Landry – Another big hit on a WR. Another interception. This guy is making plays and (as everyone else says) as long as he stays healthy he’s going to be a force this season.

Austin Howard – I don’t know if I’d gush about him as much as Collinsworth did, but he definitely held his own out there tonight. If all you’ve done is watch Wayne Hunter tape the past few weeks, Howard looked like a Hall of Famer.


Wayne HunterEven against the second stringers, he still looked terrible. I watched Hunter get beaten by some second string clown tonight. He’ll probably be mugged by a 2nd grader on his way to his car tonight. Everyone beats up on Wayne Hunter.

The Jets TEs: They didn’t play bad. They’re just all injured. Cumberland was already out with a concussion, Keller hurt his hamstring and Josh Baker hurt his knee. The only healthy TEs are now Epps (Who was almost assuredly getting cut, and still might depending on how badly injured the Jets’ TEs are) and Hayden Smith, who’s only been playing football a few months.

Second String OLThey only got worse when Wayne Hunter joined their ranks. Ducasse and Schlauderhaf don’t inspire any confidence as reserves, and there is still no true backup at center. Remember what happened when Nick Mangold was out last year? The entire offensive line fell apart. Colin Baxter, who stepped in for Mangold last year, would probably improve this group.

The TebowHe made a beautiful throw on his final drive and had a couple nifty Tebow Magic Run moments, but there was a lot of ugly too. I can’t remember the last time I saw such a mobile quarterback that was so terrible at throwing on the run. It seems to mostly be mechanical issues that hurts him there. He likes to throw across his body, Brett Favre style, without even setting his feet. Brett Favre can get away with that, but Tebow can’t. After a nice run the crowd cheered and chanted Tebow’s name, but it took only a minute or two before Tebow was getting booed again.

That other QB, Sanchez? Made one or two bad throws, but he looks like he’s at least improved a little.

That Other Team That Was On the FieldLuke Kuechly is the real deal. Chris Gamble did not look impressive against Stephen Hill, but maybe he’s dogging it a little in the preseason. Derek Anderson is still awful. Cam Newton is pretty amazing. I was wrong to ever doubt him.

In the read option if the first receiver isn't open, Tebow prays and then runs.

In the read option if the first receiver isn’t open, Tebow prays and then runs.

Today, I’m going to do what professional sports journalists do. I’m going to take a simple quote and overanalyze it far too much in order to come to an interesting conclusion.

First, the background. The Jets have been ridiculously secretive about their “Wildcat” plays, banning anyone attending practice from speaking about them. Why be so secretive about it? There’s about 3-5 basic plays that are run from the wildcat formation, and everyone knows them already. Everyone just passes it off as the Jets being silly about being secretive, but what if “Wildcat” is just a smoke screen? What if they’re not running a Wildcat with Tebow? What if it’s really the read-option Tebow ran in Denver, and the Jets are trying to trick, at the very least, their week one opponent, the Bills, who will be unprepared? If that is the plan, I don’t think it will work. I expect NFL coaches to be a little smarter than that. I would expect the defense to watch film of Tebow from last year and be prepared a little for the read-option.

I read this quote today on ESPN: “It’s fine,” Tebow said Thursday. “We had a few live reps in practice, but I’ve ran that stuff before so I’ve had reps in my life at it.”  Tebow was responding to a question regarding whether or not he’ll have trouble running “Wildcat” plays which they hadn’t practiced live in preseason games.

Now, Tebow might just mean that he’s run some “Wildcat” plays before during games. Or, he slipped, and he let us know that it’s going to be more of a read-option offense, with which Tebow is already very familiar from his extensive time with that offensive system. If I knew how many true “Wildcat” plays Tebow has run in his life, I could make a better guess as to whether or not he let something slip here.

Preseason is so boring this is the kind of thing I write! BRING ON THE REGULAR SEASON, DAMN IT.

This is the consultant the Jets brought in improve their wildcat formations. This is the real reason there's a media blackout during practice when they run the plays. If it got out the Jets hired an alpaca, the fans would revolt.

This is the consultant the Jets brought in improve their wildcat formations. This is the real reason there’s a media blackout during practice when they run the plays. If it got out the Jets hired an alpaca, the fans would revolt.

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