Jun 132010

The Oakland Raiders have issued a press release in support of famous ball dropper, Darius Heyward-Bey. Perhaps they are regretting not drafting famous crab apple, Michael Crabtree? Knowing Al Davis, probably not. They are probably more concerned that maniacal, bloodthirsty Raiders fans are upset with the organization. Check out the Raiders’ press release on espn.com.

A villainous meeting of the top brass of the Oakland Raiders organization.

A villainous meeting of the top brass of the Oakland Raiders organization.

If you don’t feel like reading a piece of Raiders’ propaganda, I will provide a precis below. However, can you honestly pass up a chance to read Raiders’ press statements? They are usually only second in hilarity to press releases from North Korea, which really is just a macrocosm of the Oakland Raiders organization, with Kim Jong Il standing in as Al Davis.


1) The Oakland Raiders are the greatest both in performance and personnel throughout NFL History.

2) Some of those personnel were obviously wide receivers, such as Willie Gault, Art Powell, Andre Rison, Warren Wells, Bob Chandler, Fred Biletnikoff, Jerry Rice, Cliff Branch, Tim Brown, James Lofton, Randy Moss. Some wide receivers, such as Lance Alworth, did not play for the Raiders, but were coached by Al Davis.

3) Since Darius Heyward-Bey is A) A wide receiver B) Plays for the Raiders and is C) presumably receiving some sort of coaching from Al Davis he will, absolutely and necessarily, turn into a great wide receiver.

The best way to prove a deductive argument incorrect is to provide a counter example where all the premises of the argument are true but the result is different. The Foosball Wizard cannot help but wonder what went wrong with Javon Walker, Ashley Lelie,  Doug Gabriel and Alvis “Has Left the Building” Whitted. They were all wide receivers who played for the Raiders and could have even received some bonus coaching from Al Davis!

Rasta Alpaca says "Praise be to Ricky Williams, mon!"

Rasta Alpaca says "Praise be to Ricky Williams, mon!"

Dear Foosball Wizard,

Any hack can claim to be a wizard and rely on their pseudo-science! I AM THE REAL THING! I AM THE WIZARD YOU WILL DEAL WITH!

Any hack can claim to be a wizard and rely on their pseudo-science! I AM THE REAL THING! I AM THE WIZARD YOU WILL DEAL WITH!

Some of your readers (read: at least one) would really know what your take on this young new Philadelphia team is. The other day, we traded away aging defensive cornerstone Dawkins and this year we’ve got an offense barely out of diapers. I have all the faith in the world in in McCoy, in particular, but what do you see Kolb and the boys doing this year? In the more distant future?

Devotedly Yours,
Jeff (Marlton, NJ)

Jeff, you have asked the right wizard about your problems. The wrong wizard has been sought in the past. Fortunately, you have contacted a real wizard not some fraud punk without the credentials (or alpacas.) I’m not a huge Kolb fan, but I am a big fan of the Eagles organization – they’ve had a well run organization in Philadelphia for quite a while now. Kolb put up statistically impressive performances in his few starts, but they were against soft defenses – New Orleans and Kansas City. Also notable was the fact that Kolb threw three interceptions against the Saints, which isn’t terribly damning since the Saints run an aggressive scheme that forces turnovers, but it is still a warning sign. Hopefully the Eagles have seen enough of Kolb off the field that they are confident he will be, at the very least, a solid starter. Moreso than missing Dawkins, who was a talented safety (albeit a bit slow and long in the tooth these days) the Eagles will miss Jim Johnson who passed away last year. He was a true defensive genius and one of the greatest coordinators of the modern era. Sean McDermott has big shoes to fill and it showed some last year. The Eagles youth movement will have some growing pains, but one facet the Eagles now shine in is one that has been their Achilles heel for years – wide receiver! DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin will help the Eagles forget the nightmare that was Freddie Mitchell, Todd Pinkston, Hank “Hell in a Hand” Baskett and their ilk. I wonder if the Eagles will still be as pass wacky without McNabb? We will find out! Don’t worry about Baskett, Eagles fans. His playmate ex-wife is apparently shopping her sex tape with an ex for cash!

Aside from speculation that someone switched the brain and nerve tonic in Al Davis’s morning coffee to common sense, is it possible that the release of JaMungus Russell will also be seen as 1: -=THE=- Draft Bust of our times and 2: ammunition for the Owners to regulate a rookie salary cap and lower it considering the financial investment and crippling effect one player can have on a team as well as the league. Jason, NJ

If anyone encounters this on the streets of Brooklyn, immediately return it to the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy. It is very dangerous and your puny mortal minds cannot comprehend the horrors it contains.

If anyone encounters this on the streets of Brooklyn, immediately return it to the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy. It is very dangerous and your puny mortal minds cannot comprehend the horrors it contains.

That’s actually two questions, Jason. However, I have no readers and your extra question is a delicious bonus to the Foosball Wizard! I am in the process of completing a catering order for a coven of witches currently convening at a Holiday Inn in upstate New York. They just arrived this Sunday and are staying all week, but they have already devoured the arctic seal pup pirogies that I prepared for them! I had to fly up to the polar region myself and club five hundred pounds of them personally! It is not easy running the Foosball Wizard grocery store in Bed-Stuy. Some thugs broke in and stole some rare (and dangerous) magical artifacts that I had stowed in the deep fryer. There is a slight chance it could cause a global catastrophe, but more likely they will just have their souls sucked into a hell dimension.

Anyway, back to football, my greatest passion besides bludgeoning animals for food! I think JaMarcus Russell is probably the second biggest bust in past twenty years of the NFL behind Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf cost the Chargers so much more in draft picks and destroyed Bobby Beathard’s career, so I just have to hand him the crown. As for the rookie salary cap? I’m sure the owners would love to lower it. A lot of the veterans would like to see those big rookie bucks going to more deserving veteran players, too. Or perhaps re-routed to a fund that cares for aging football players? The Foosball Wizard agrees – it is foolish to give young, unproven players the biggest bucks in the game. Save that for the players who deserve it! The NFL has it all backwards!


According to John Clayton at ESPN, the Oakland Raiders are planning to release JaMarcus Russell.

This will conclude a long humanitarian experiment spearheaded by Lord of the Undead and Oakland Raiders owner, Al Davis. Every morning, he would rise from his coffin and personally check on the progress being made by JaMarcus Russell – progress that was so fast he was astounded. This caused a lot of confusion in the sports world, as everyone believed Al Davis was trying to make JaMarcus the starting QB of the Oakland Raiders. However, it turned out that the whole time Al Davis was just trying to prepare him to be reintroduced to the wild.

“The JaMarcus is an endangered species,” said Davis. “There are only three known breeding pairs left in the wild. We have previously succeeded in returning other members of the JaMarcus species to the wild, including David Klingler, who Cincinnati had previously failed to return to the wild. Sometimes, we returned a JaMarcus to the wild with only partial success, such as in the case of Todd Marinovich. The Oakland Raiders organization remains Committed to Ecological Excellence.”

The JaMarcus in its natural habitat, the lost continent of Lemuria.

The JaMarcus in its natural habitat, the lost continent of Lemuria.

JaMarcus Russell has shown plenty of promise in his time with the Raiders. He can now identify various berries and plants of his native continent, Lemuria, which are safe to eat. In addition, he has shown increasing deftness in evading Al Davis’ pet Velociraptors in the Oakland Raiders’ training facility. Velociraptors are the apex predator in Lemuria, and the only threat to JaMarcuses – usually causes of death for JaMarcuses include extreme laziness, drug addiction, and skateboarding injuries – the last two of which have especially been a problem for famous JaMarcus, Todd Marinovich. Russell will be tagged with an electronic tracking system and genetically engineered to have a lysine deficiency so that he will not be able to survive away from the lysine rich foods of Lemuria. This is to ensure that he does not escape and multiply in our ecosystem, which would systematically destroy it.

Todd Marinovich has periodically escaped from Lemuria on his skateboard to California, where he has destroyed three hundred square miles of ancient redwood forests and consumed eight thousand tons of crystal meth. Oakland Raiders authorities are still unsure of how he survives outside of Lemuria or how he escapes from there. Marinovich has been tranquilized and returned to his home continent on four separate occasions. Oakland officials hope JaMarcus Russell will be a stabilizing influence on Marinovich and are guardedly optimistic that they may form a mating pair and repopulate the species.

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