I’ve selected the two best questions send to the Foosball Wizard for answering. Also, they were the only questions regarding football. The rest of the questions all wanted to know whether I wanted to buy Mexican codeine or Viagra, or perhaps claim a great deal of money in Iraq or Nigeria. Unfortunately, football is my area of expertise, not erectile dysfunction, so I will stick to what I know.


From:
Pats ain’t half bad

 

Why are we not overrun by donuts like we are plagued by deer? Their natural predator, Rex Ryan, keeps our ecosystem balanced.

Why are we not overrun by donuts like we are plagued by deer? Their natural predator, Rex Ryan, keeps our ecosystem balanced.

Message:
Foosball Wizard, what are your thoughts on the Patriots trade for
Albert Haynesworth? And more importantly who wins the pie eating
contest between Haynesworth and Rex when the Jets come to town.

It was a very savvy trade by the Patriots. Haynesworth restructured his contract and will be making (I believe) around $1.5 million this year with NO guaranteed money. Shaun Ellis will be making far more this year. That’s very little risk and a very high upside, as Haynesworth was one of the best DTs in the league before he went to Washington and turned into an expensive mound of hot dogs and melted ice cream. Haynesworth’s base salary goes up in the second year of the deal, if the Patriots decide to keep him, with a very modest roster and workout bonus due to him in 2012. It doesn’t get much more low risk than that. They gave up a fifth round pick, similar to the Jets’ deal for Santonio Holmes, and we know how that worked out for the Jets. Haynesworth could turn out to be a similar boon for the Patriots.

As for the pie, whenever eating sugary treats or running a 46 influenced defense is involved, always bet on Rex Ryan.

Washington felt the sting of a large bonus with Haynesworth, but the Patriots could feel safe signing Mushmouth to play DT for a restructured contract like that.

Washington felt the sting of a large bonus with Haynesworth, but the Patriots could feel safe signing Mushmouth to play DT for a restructured contract like that.

From:
The Contract Devil

Message:

Holdouts are going to be under more scrutiny then ever I think this
pre-season. With OTA’s missed from the lockout there are more injuries
happening left and right with players in camps now. Some players like
DeSean Jackson have reported to camp on the last possible day so they
get the year towards free agency. Others like Chris Johnson are
sitting out with the, “Pay me my money!” And my favorite Osi who is
upset that the Giants accepted his previous demands of a re-negotiated
front-loaded contract, now at the back end he claims to be underpaid.
With the CBA now in stone, do you think players are still going to
complain about how they are paid by comparison, clauses, and sitting
out fearing injury? And more so, teams not paying -this- year cause of
injury.

Unfortunately for the players, they will still be complaining. Football’s a violent sport, and their contracts are not fully guaranteed like a baseball player’s. They do have the recourse of demanding signing bonuses which are guaranteed, but depending on the market, they might find a big signing bonus hard to get. Of course, a case like Umenyiora’s, where his contract was frontloaded, have no reason to be complaining. Chris Johnson is demanding an absurd amount of money for a running back right now, and I have the feeling the Titans will end up (perhaps unwisely) overpaying to keep him. On the other hand, Johnson is being savvy. He’s not the biggest running back in the world and they’ve worked him pretty hard. A running back’s life is short, and he better grab the money while the grabbing is good. The NFL treats old running backs like used up, lame racehorses: it takes them out back and shoots them. That being said, his astronomical demands are a bit much.

 

 

Here’s a backlog of reader questions. Unfortunately, they were trapped for over a month in a dimension where Art Schlichter is a Super Bowl winning quarterback and Tom Brady is a destitute street urchin with a bad haircut. So, I guess he was a lot like Tom Brady in this dimension but with less money.

For LenDale White, this is Heaven.

For LenDale White, this is Heaven.

Did the injuries in the Denver backfield cause the knee jerk reaction of signing LenDale White to Denver? Or was there a rocky mountain surplus of tequila and tacos?

The LenDale White signing was due to injuries. Unfortunately, LenDale tore his achilles tendon while chasing a truck full of tequila.

“Maybe you’re just sitting around your house with your buddies. Maybe you go bowling and you have a couple of drinks. … I like Patron Platinum. It’s like some people like strawberry soda. It’s good.” -LenDale White

If water covers 2/3’s the earth, is the other 1/3 covered by Revis’s new but deserved ego? I can’t remember someone still in a rookie contract demanding top $ of the position. He deserves it but is he going the wrong way about it? Say have the extension signed and put in or just play out the contract. A distraction to a team with too much pressure on it already I think.

Revis is going the wrong way about it, but he shares the same agent Chris Baker and Pete Kendall, two players “wronged” by the Jets, did. I think they’re settling a score with Tannenbaum. Revis gave up so much guaranteed money I feel that they weren’t even acting in his best interest. It’s a shame this is happening in a Super Bowl run year.

T.O and Ocho. …. yeah, I don’t know about that one. T.O. is the SHAQ of the NFL now in my opinion, a part time option but not a starter who can demand attention but not give you the minutes.

Terrell Owens has been more of a liability than a matchup problem since his final year with the Cowboys. If you watch their offense that year they scheme with their other receivers to try to help Owens get open. T.O. is old and I wonder if Randy Moss is going to finally have age catch up with him too.

Mike Martz Jr. stealthily prepares to install his offense inside an Alpaca.

Mike Martz Jr. stealthily prepares to install his offense inside an Alpaca.

Mike “Mad Man” Martz claims as for as Jay Cutler, “nothing to work on” as far as his QB play of mechanics. …. is this an endorsement of condemnation for the cut-man?

Martz doesn’t demand much from a quarterback besides accuracy, quick decision making and a fast release. Cutler has all of those, so he should be fine. That said, don’t be surprised if he throws 20+ interceptions again behind that offensive line, with those receivers and in that scheme.

Is it wrong to use Albert Haynesworth as bait for next years Shark Week if he can’t pass a conditioning test? Cause if he can’t tread water for a few minutes in shark infested areas I don’t see how he can at least occupy the attention of a center and demand a guard for double teaming.

I hope the sharks like processed meat and sweets.

The Charger fallout of LT leaving and the statements of entitlement. Are some players jealous they were not the face of the franchise like say … I dunno, Manning and Big Ben Rapist?

L.T. is a good guy and still a good player, but he’s no longer a superstar and was upset he wasn’t being treated like one in San Diego anymore. He’ll be great for the Jets playing with that chip on his shoulder.

Like reports of the demise of the fooseball wizard is Jeff Garcia’s retirement by default premature? Some system needs a solid #2 who just thrives or at least is more competent than the incumbent starting QB?

Jeff Garcia can probably still be a backup somewhere but he’s a bit of a prickly character and a lot of teams don’t want to bother dealing with him now that he is older. Even the Oakland Raiders couldn’t handle him refusing to play backup last year. I have to admit, I’d consider suicide if I was regulated to a backup role behind JaMarcus “Purple Drank” Russell.

Giselle Bundchen is also a crack addicted prostitute in this universe.

Giselle Bundchen is also a crack addicted prostitute in this universe.

Andre Johnson, much like Revis does he deserve the #1 salary for his position?

Yes. The best receiver in the NFL. A bit of an injury risk though.

Of all the relocations in the off season between veteran players as well as coaches, general managers, etc. Who has the most to prove
in the new surroundings and why?

If Mike Shanahan really wants to be known as a “genius” he better make something of the Redskins. He rode in to the Super Bowl with a partially inherited team with John Elway at quarterback and a killer running game and he hasn’t really succeeded since. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who has more to prove than Shanahan.

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