Foosball Wizard fans might like to take a peak at an alleged leak of the Dallas Cowboys Draft Board available at BloggingTheBoys.com. BloggingTheBoys also has a consolidated draft board created from captured images of the Cowboys’ war room.

Elsewhere in the NFC East, Giants fans may be alarmed to discover that a “Lewin Career Forecast” for defensive ends has been devised and it does not point to a bright future for a famous back flipper with a hyphenated last name.

I would check it myself, but I have an order of 20 lbs of civet cat empanadas that were just ordered by a customer at the Foosball Wizard bodega. We strive to create foods that are as diverse as our customers.

As we say in my homeland, "If it has more spots, you'll eat it lots."

As we say in my homeland, "If it has more spots, you'll eat it lots."

Bogdana says "They taste just like the ones the gypsies that lived in my backyard made when I was a kid!"

Bogdana says "They taste just like the ones the gypsies that lived in my backyard made when I was a kid!"

 
I would prefer Colt McCoy, even if he was soiled with rotting meatloaf and coffee grinds.

I would prefer Colt McCoy, even if he was soiled with rotting meatloaf and coffee grinds.

The rest of the league’s trash is the Cleveland Browns’ treasure!

Colt McCoy, my top quarterback prospect, finally went off the board to Cleveland with the 21st pick of the 3rd round. What value! The Browns got a QB with 1st round talent in the 3rd round!

Dear readers, who would you rather have? Megabucks invested in Sam Bradford which could set your franchise back years if he busts, or a nice, cheap and Drew Brees-like Colt McCoy? Oops, did I load that question?

 
The Claussen family crest, photographed at their lavish estate, "Nightingale Nook."

The Claussen family crest, photographed at their lavish estate, "Nightingale Nook."

Jimmy Claussen has finally been drafted by the Carolina Panthers with the 16th pick in the 2nd round, ending a drop more precipitous than Aaron Rodgers’. I am shocked that he fell this far and can only assume that most of the NFL knows something that we don’t.

That said, this is an incredible gift for the Panthers who don’t have any particularly inspiring QBs on their roster. Claussen could see action sooner rather than later and the fact that he played in a pro-style offense will be a boon to him and the Panthers.

Vladimir Ducasse, a guard drafted by the Jets, may be be the official winner of the lengthily titled “Most Likely to be Confused With a Computer Generated Football Player Name from a Console Game” award.

 

I thought we’d see more quarterbacks drafted in the first round this year since a trade like the one Seattle made for Charlie Whitehurst would seem to indicate that there was a dearth of talented quarterbacks in the NFL. I guess most NFL teams don’t feel that way since only two quarterbacks were drafted in the first round, and one of them was famous non-aborted quarterback, Tim Tebow!

So you can roast me in the future, here are my QB rankings for the top 2010 quarterback prospects:

#1 Colt McCoy

#2 Jimmy Claussen

#3 Sam Bradford

#4 Tim Tebow

#5 Dan LeFevour

 
What we see

What we see

Most people make mock draft predictions. Those are silly! Everyone is always wrong! Instead I will give you more interesting information – my commentary on each pick.

I’d just like to start off by saying that drafting Sam Bradford #1 is a huge mistake. I don’t mean this in the sense that he will definitely fail, but that investing the value of the #1 pick in him is foolish. It is -ev, as the poker players have it. Too much risk for a #1 pick!

Also, I have just come from an elaborate reception we held for major donors to the Bed-Stuy Grocery and Fruit Store. I am a little drunk, and I am continuing to drink. I know this may influence my credibility, but I assume it will be a positive influence as even my drunken commentary will at least be better than the average, imbecile football pundit.

P.S. Submit your comments on the reply form, and I will answer them in between picks.

1) St. Louis Sam Bradford QB : As expected, the Rams have drafted Sam Bradford. High risk, high reward. You know how I feel about this. I’d rather be the Lions.

2) Detroit: Ndamukong Suh DT : The man I would’ve drafted with the #1 pick. In all fairness, I would have drafted Glenn Dorsey #1 too. Foosball Wizard is fair with you like this about his failings. Maybe he should re-evaluate drafting DTs this high? Even if he does, the two DTs are the most talented prospects in this draft.

3) Tampa: Gerald McCoy DT : Wow, what a surprise. Tampa takes the next Warren Sapp and the 2nd most talented player in the draft.

4) Washington: Trent Williams OT : It was either him or Russel Okung, both are good fits for the zone blocking scheme the Redskins run. I would’ve taken Okung, but god forbid Dan Synder and I agree. Tackles have a higher success rate and make them a “better” top 5 pick.

5) Kansas City :Eric Berry S : First of all, they’re talking about what fucking Trent Williams ran in the 40? WHO THE FUCK CARES? HE’S A GODDAMNED TACKLE. SHUT THE FUCK UP. TELL ME ABOUT HIS BLOCKING. I’ll have the crackhead down the street run the 40 yard dash for my beer money. Aside from that, Berry is the best safey prospect I’ve seen since Ed Reed. Berry should be great and is low risk – however, this is a lot of money (top 5 pick) for a safety and the Ravens got Ed Reed for a much lower ranked (and cheaper) pick. For this to be worth it, Berry will have to be at least as good as Ed Reed, who has been (perhaps) the best safety in the NFL in the last decade. Whatever the result I find this to be a smarter pick than Bradford at #1.

P.S. – My wife better watch out, because I think I just fell in love with Gerald McCoy during his ESPN radio interview.

What Al Davis sees

What Al Davis sees

6) Seattle : Russel Okung : T : The smart, +EV pick. I suspected worse from the Seattle “Blue Man Group”, as Gregg Easterbrook refers to them. Maybe I should change my opinion on the Seahawks organization? That said, there is no way any sensible person (Unless they had a top 5 OT) could have made a different decision.

7) Cleveland : Joe Haden : CB : Wow. I guess they really felt they needed a CB or they felt he was really talented, since I didn’t expect him to go this high. At the risk of embrassing myself, a risk I totally disregard, I thought they might take Jimmy Clausen. That said, Joe Haden is a pretty good CB and is a good addition to the Cleveland Browns.

8) Oakland: Rolando McLain : ILB : Rolando McClain. OK. That’s the Raiders pick this year. I can’t remember the last time I successfully guessed the Raiders’ draft pick. I fucking give up. Evidently my website processes an 8 followed by parentheses as a cool smiley face with shades. I find this appropriate for an Oakland Raiders pick so I’ll leave it there.

9) Buffalo : C.J. Spiller : RB : Seriously? CJ effing Spillar? The Bills (obviously) have no need at RB. Therefore, it means they felt Spillar was the best player on the board (which he isn’t) as there was no great need that needed to fill (HELLO, OFFENSIVE LINE?) Let me start a new saying, that we used to know as Jets fans: “SAME OLD BILLS.”

They were very stoic.

They were very stoic.

10) Jacksonville: Absogagu Namumuumumumumumumumu: Jacksonville’s defense really needed a large, mysterious stone monument and since this guy is obviously from some polynesian island, he can help them with that. Good luck on filling seats in your stadium with this island mystery. ESPN had a camera rolling in his home and caught his family’s reaction:

11) San Francisco (by trade): Anthony Davis OT : SF makes an interesting choice: he is a low risk position but a high risk pick! There is a lot of depth at OT this year, and it really says something about Davis that the 49ers felt that they had to trade up for him.

12) San Diego : Ryan Matthews RB : This is a great pick, although arguably a reach. It fills a need and I love Ryan Matthews. A.J. Smith acts and (mostly) dresses like an extra in the Sopranos, and he may now have a bromance date with me at any location he chooses in my hometown. I’m talking about classy stuff, yo’.

13) Philadelphia : Brandon Graham ILB : Wow….Brandon Graham, a projected 3-4 linebacker, is drafted by the the Eagles. The new regime has surprised me. I have no useful comment on this pick!

14) Seattle : Earl Thomas S : Speculation was that the Dallas Cowboys might reach for Thomas. I guess that’s not as much of a reach as the Seahawks taking him 14th overall. Here’s a real reach: The Kansas City Chiefs draft Maurice Clarett in case he gets out of prison, and they buy him a cell phone so he won’t steal someone else’s. OK, that sounds ridiculous, but only slightly less ridiculous than the Seahawks organization. I hope you are all prepared for the Seattle Seahawks fail that is coming in the next few years. Buy a good helmet to weather the punishment in, Seahawks fans.

15): New York: Jason Pierre-Paul DE: Seeya, Osi. Enjoy your stay in (random NFL city!)

16): Tennessee Titans: Derrick Morgan DE: Less risk that Pierre-Paul. I’m not sure who has power with the Titans right now, but if it is whoever has had power the past ten tears I have faith in this pick. Wikipedia defines a Derrick thusly “A derrick is a lifting device composed of one mast or pole which is hinged freely at the bottom.” I think this sort of device could be useful for the Titans.

17: San Francisco : Mike Iupati G: Sorry, Jets. The 49ers snagged the best interior lineman in the draft. It is a reasonable and good pick at this point in the draft, as the value of edge offensive lineman has been inflated since the days of Lawrence Taylor.

Identify the NFL GM in this photo, and then calculate how long it takes him to break a rat's legs with a baseball bat.

Identify the NFL GM in this photo, and then calculate how long it takes him to break a rat's legs with a baseball bat.

18: Pittsburgh: Maurice Powncey : C : Interior lineman are apparentelly valued more than they used to be. There is a pain in my heart for Mike West, famous Eagles fan. A good, need pick for the Steelers. Maybe the Iggles will sign Mawae now?

19: Atlanta: Sean Witherspoon : WLB : Wow. Sorry Eagles, and everyone else who might want a linebacker. It is interesting that Dimitroff made this “non Patriots” pick.

20: Houston : Kareem Jackson : CB : At this point in the 2010 draft you’re getting value at CB. This is  a need that is worth drafting for a team in playoff contention this year, and there is no way I can hate on the Texans’ pick.

21: Cincinatti: Jermaine Gresham : TE : This is probably good value at 21… if Gresham is a stud TE. Are they rebuilding or running for the playoffs? This team is schizophrenic and therefore, unsuccessful.

22: Denver: Demaryius Thomas : WR : Wow, high risk pick by the Denver Broncos. Of course , I’m not Josh McDaniels, who is from the Bill Belichick coaching tree, so he’s destined to succeed, right? Just like Chad Jackson! Oh wait, maybe I’m wrong, and this is not a reach.

23: Green bay : Brian Bulaga : OT : Great pick, I don’t know why some assholes are booing this. Did you see how much Aaron Rodgers got his ass kicked last year? Go shove cheese in your stupid mouths, Packers fans. I’ll be here turning shit into GOLD. Don’t you wish you were magical? Let’s hope for Packers’ fans sakes that Bulaga is also magical, since Robert Gallery played in a similar offensive system.

24: Dallas: Dez Bryant: WR : I don’t analyze Dallas Cowboys picks normally since they don’t draft for value or need but for “OMG AWESOME!!!” Once again, the Cowboys have successfully picked the most OMG AWESOME player on the board! My apologies to Naomi Ortiz, who does have a rational, functioning human mind in addition to being a Cowboys fan. She can take comfort in the fact that Dez Bryant may turn into a very, very good pro WR.

25: Denver : Tim Tebow : QB : OMG WTF BBQ! In Gainesville, Florida, I was in a queue waiting to presented with my order at Flaco’s, which was a pork bowl with a side of sweet plantains. Suddenly, a woman next to me said something like “OMG TIM TEBOW!” After a four minute delay, I asked for a quote about the Tim Tebow pick, to which she answered “I don’t know.” and told me her name was Brittany. I stand by Brittany’s analysis of this pick. I ranked Tebow behind McCoy, Claussen, and Bradford like most rational human beings.

26. Arizona . Dan Williams . DT . Arizona said OMG, bring forth Bill Bidwell’s holy bowtie, and let us make the most sensible draft pick of the 20’s. They drafted Dan Williams, and there was much rejoicing.

27. New England . Devin McCourty . CB . Bill Belichick said to his sycophantic minions, “What will make me appear the most intelligent and contrarian?’ His minions replied “Brandon Merriweather” and he chose Devin McCourty. Curious as to whether he was right or wrong? Ask the Foosball Wizard in 2014 and analyze the EV of the pick!

Jason Ferguson in his natural habitat: the dense marijuana undergrowth of a tropical biome.

Jason Ferguson in his natural habitat: the dense marijuana undergrowth of a tropical biome.

28. Miami . Jared Odrick . DT . Say it ain’t so….aging banned substance enthusiast, suspended for part of the 2010 season Jason Ferguson isn’t the answer? I never would have guessed. I take full credit for my genius in deducing that the Dolphins would take Odrick with this pick.

29. New York Jets . Kyle Wilson . CB . Someone asked Rex Ryan what he would do if Antonio Cromartie didn’t work out. He said to reporters “Cromartie? Hell, I ate that motherfucker! We drafted Kyle Wilson, who has the same skill set and isn’t a delicious unwed father of multiple kids.” Later on, Rex Ryan burped and the reporters loved him.

30. Detroit . Jahvid Best . RB . A smallish running back that may never be more than a supplementary back. He’s so bad at pass protection that Cal would take him out of the game in some passing situations. That’s ok though, because in the NFL you don’t need to know how to pass block, and the Lions haven’t invested megabucks in a young QB who finished last season injured. Oh wait, maybe I’m wrong about those last two things.

31. Indianapolis . Jerry Hughes . OLB . Who am I to question Bill Polian? Oh wait, I’m an internet sports blogger and I should think my amateurish opinion is better than NFL GMs, even ones with Polian’s pedigree! Hughes is a very athletic LB making the transition from college DE and will probably take some time making the transition. I think he has higher boom/bust potential than most LBs taken in the first round of an NFL draft. This is not to be confused with Vernon Gholston, who only had bust potential. I’m considering having the Lacuna corporation remove all memories of Vernon Gholston from my mind, including his debut when he slid off of Chad Pennington’s back like a wet, limp noodle.

32. New Orleans . Patrick Robinson .  DB . In the New Orleans draft room, Sean Payton yelled “Is there anyone in the draft that has a funny name like a computer generated player in a football game? If we have a guy on our board named Jabari Klopfenstein we should take him immediately!” Unfortunately, there was no Jabari Klopfenstein. There wasn’t even a Tyrone Fagelman or a Sinclair Mugglewortz. Tragically, New Orleans was forced to take a player with a normal name. That said, Robinson was the best CB left on the board and fills a need for the Saints. He is a bigger corner who may be a tad slow. He likes to take chances, but even if he gets toasted a few times I’m sure the Saints offense can help him out.

 
Ben Roethlisberger and Three Women Enjoying Tasty Rohypnol Beverages

Ben Roethlisberger and Three Women Enjoying Tasty Rohypnol Beverages

Since I probably have some pre-draft related questions that may be irrelevant by the time the draft is over, I’m going to answer some reader questions today!

For all of the people wondering if the Steelers now listening to offers on the eve of Draft Day are not going to materialize, do you think it is possible? Steelers are a class organization and the
Rooney’s are not big on Raiders of the 70’s kind of player conduct. Do you think one team in the top 10 or mid rounds will let the pick go, ride the suspension and get what is really a friendly remaining contract on Big Ben? -Jason

Knowing the Rooneys I don’t doubt in the least that they are shopping Roethlisberger. A football team is a product and Roethlisberger is damaging the brand with his conduct. After the police report was released – which pretty much indicated a case of forcible rape even though they could not prosecute Roethlisberger – a lot of fans will find it hard to cheer at all for him. I think I could more easily welcome Bill Belichick to the Jets as head coach than I could welcome Roethlisberger as a QB right now. I would also more easily cheer for famous canine sports enthusiast, Michael Vick, than I would for Roethlisberger. He has a lot of work to do to rehabilitate his image and the only thing saving him right now is his talent. I could only see a maverick like Al Davis trading for Roethlisberger at this point – everyone else will not want to deal with the baggage.

I wish I’d thought of this, but I haven’t really been paying attention since we’ve been chopping veterans and salary and sniffing with indifference at most free agents, but … Pat Kirwin on Sirius NFL just wondered aloud about Kevin Mawae signing with the Eagles.  Seems like a win-win, as Jackson will be out and we have no centers. Even if we get Marukice Pouncey draft day (and I would be fine with that), what could it hurt to have Mawae around? -Mike West

One certainly could do worse than Kevin Mawae at center. He is an intelligent and talented center who is a great locker room influence. However, I do get a little nervous due to his age and the fact that he is small for a center – does that mean there’s more wear and tear on his body? Mike Munchak, the Titans offensive line coach, swears Mawae is in great shape for his age. If that’s true Mawae would be a great filler for the gap in the Eagles’ offensive line. If the Eagles aren’t interested in Mawae they better have a backup plan because there are several other teams, including the Jets, who could swipe Pouncey from them. (The Jets would play him at guard.)

“If the League leading rushing Jets go into the 2010 season with a three headed backfield, will any of the running backs have any fantasy value and if so, who do you project to be the leading fantasy rusher?” G. Slade, Dover, NJ

Shonn Greene is a very talented running back who should only get better in 2010. However, Leon Washington and LaDainian Tomlinson will take a bite out of his fantasy production. Greene will definitely be the most fantasy relevant New York Jets running back, but he will probably be no better than a 2nd tier running back due to Washington and Tomlinson cutting into his touches.

“Are the new complex offenses like the wildcat, running quarterbacks and throwing running backs a fad or are they the wave of the future?” -Rich L., Denville, NJ

The “Wildcat” has been around for a long time in the college ranks although it has never been especially popular in the pros. However, the only team that really ran a unique “Wildcat” offense in the NFL were the Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins ran interesting, different plays with imbalanced and unique formations whereas most other teams’ “Wildcats” consisted of putting an athletic runner in at QB and running standard plays.

Part of the reason the Wildcat is not so popular in the pros is due to the fact that it exploits marked athletic superiority in the backfield. For instance, if you have a blue chip running back and an athletic quarterback when you run crazy option plays the defensive players will not be fast enough to handle Vince Young running the ball with the option to pitch it even further to the outside.  This works in a college environment where elite players have a huge edge in athleticism over the average player. However, in the NFL everyone belongs to that elite class from college and it no longer is as effective a tactic. The Wildcat was markedly less effective last season after other teams had an opportunity to properly prepare for it and it will most likely diminish in popularity in the 2010 season.

 

They used to say “Who the hell is Mel Kiper?” Now they say “Who the FUCK does Todd McShay think he is, anyway?”

Todd McShay is eons ahead of me. I hope one day NFL insiders expound on what a jackass I am. Then I’ll be bigtime!

Todd McExpose here at ProFootballTalk!

P.S. I heard from one of my sources that Todd McShay failed the Voight-Kampff test!

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