Jul 132010
 

….AT JAMARCUS RUSSELL’S HOUSE….

ROCKET FUEL - DAAAAAAMN.

ROCKET FUEL - DAAAAAAMN.

 
Lawrence Taylor appears here at a furry convention with a minor whose name has been withheld due to the current proceedings.

Lawrence Taylor appears here at a furry convention with a minor whose name has been withheld due to the current proceedings.

Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor has been indicted on a plethora of charges that would make Ben Roethlisberger blush.

Taylor contends that he did nothing to his 16 year old accuser that he didn’t do to Joe Theismann, who suffered a compound leg fracture in 1985 after alleged contact with Taylor.

Taylor insisted at the time that although he paid Joe Theismann $300 for sex, all he did was hug him. Unfortunately, this shows that Lawrence Taylor’s actions have become more extreme over the years and have targeted younger victims. In the Foosball Wizard’s opinion we had better lock him up before anything more terrifying than the photo on the right occurs.

Jun 132010
 

The Oakland Raiders have issued a press release in support of famous ball dropper, Darius Heyward-Bey. Perhaps they are regretting not drafting famous crab apple, Michael Crabtree? Knowing Al Davis, probably not. They are probably more concerned that maniacal, bloodthirsty Raiders fans are upset with the organization. Check out the Raiders’ press release on espn.com.

A villainous meeting of the top brass of the Oakland Raiders organization.

A villainous meeting of the top brass of the Oakland Raiders organization.

If you don’t feel like reading a piece of Raiders’ propaganda, I will provide a precis below. However, can you honestly pass up a chance to read Raiders’ press statements? They are usually only second in hilarity to press releases from North Korea, which really is just a macrocosm of the Oakland Raiders organization, with Kim Jong Il standing in as Al Davis.

OAKLAND RAIDERS PRESS RELEASE PRECIS

1) The Oakland Raiders are the greatest both in performance and personnel throughout NFL History.

2) Some of those personnel were obviously wide receivers, such as Willie Gault, Art Powell, Andre Rison, Warren Wells, Bob Chandler, Fred Biletnikoff, Jerry Rice, Cliff Branch, Tim Brown, James Lofton, Randy Moss. Some wide receivers, such as Lance Alworth, did not play for the Raiders, but were coached by Al Davis.

3) Since Darius Heyward-Bey is A) A wide receiver B) Plays for the Raiders and is C) presumably receiving some sort of coaching from Al Davis he will, absolutely and necessarily, turn into a great wide receiver.

The best way to prove a deductive argument incorrect is to provide a counter example where all the premises of the argument are true but the result is different. The Foosball Wizard cannot help but wonder what went wrong with Javon Walker, Ashley Lelie,  Doug Gabriel and Alvis “Has Left the Building” Whitted. They were all wide receivers who played for the Raiders and could have even received some bonus coaching from Al Davis!


May 212010
 
The explosive richness of a well-made Napa cabernet unleashed something in this alpaca.

The explosive richness of a well-made Napa cabernet unleashed something in this alpaca.

According to Rich Cimini, “Former QBs Drew Bledsoe and Rick Mirer, the first and second overall picks, respectively in the 1993 draft, are both in the wine-making business, separately. Mirer, an incompetent Jets backup in 1999, apparently is intoxicated (pun intended) by the whole wine thing. Explaining why he decided to get involved in wine making, Mirer writes on his web site: “The explosive richness of a well-made Napa cabernet unleashed something within me.”

Drew Bledsoe's "Walking Statue" fortified wine will make you a "Walking Statue" by midnight.

Drew Bledsoe's "Walking Statue" fortified wine will make you a "Walking Statue" by midnight.

If bad quarterbacking = good winemaking then Rick Mirer’s wines should be incredibly awesome while Drew Bledsoe’s will just be ok. I suspect Rick Mirer’s wine will hive a fine fruity bouquet and initially sweet taste with an acrid, rustic finish. After the bottle is consumed, you may find that your football team has been set back four to five years. If you are the 1999 Jets you might find that your season has gone completely down the toilet.

If you find yourself having drunk a glass of Rick Mirer’s wine I advise you to keep drinking.

 
MEANWHILE.... IN THE BUFFALO BILLS DRAFT ROOM....

MEANWHILE.... IN THE BUFFALO BILLS DRAFT ROOM....

The Foosball Wizard is very popular with users aged 26-35 named Jason who live in New Jersey and are closely related to the Foosball Wizard. This is the type of useful demographic information that new blogs should exploit with targeted advertising!

Nothing wrong a player who has a chip on the shoulder for teams that did not take them, but is Taylor Mays going a little overboard with his newfound hatred of Pete Carroll?

How is it in one breath he says he understands that Pete took the better safety cause he fell but still holds it against him that he fell in the draft cause he was convinced to come back for a senior season? Should this even be considered a plot in the opening game of 49ers and Seahawks? From Jason, Denville, NJ

Laveranues Coles' loss is their gain.

Laveranues Coles' loss is their gain.

Pete Carroll is a player’s coach and he tends to make his players and everyone around him feel like they’re his best buddy, although he obviously can’t be everyone’s best buddy. When your (presumed) best buddy drafts another safety higher than you, you feel like you’re not Pete’s best buddy anymore. Maybe you go cry in the corner and tear your Pete Carroll shrine apart, extinguishing all the candles and removing the goat you sacrificed to him before you’ve even finished burning it. I don’t know if Taylor Mays did this with his shrine, but that goat was off of my Laveranues Coles shrine and being fed to my pet Tasmanian tiger in no time when he jumped ship to the Redskins!

Of course, maybe Mays should say to himself “Maybe if I wasn’t overaggressive and a more fundamentally sound tackler and cover man Pete would have drafted me and we could have continued to be best buddies. Maybe I should just try to make Pete proud wherever I play.

That would be very mature. Personally? I’d try to destroy Carroll and the Seahawks every time I played them. I would feed their remains to my Tasmanian Tigers, which I keep in a cage in the Foosball Wizard bodega in Bed-Stuy. I pray that the next time I am robbed they unhinge their jaws and devour my attackers.

The arguments can be made that the Chargers set themselves WAY back by moving from #3 to #2 to get Leaf, but the $$ value on Russell as #1 plus the shockwaves of Davis admitting fault on where Lane Kiffen said, “Don’t take that guy!” must be devestating.

As it stands now based on career totals and the $40 million he has pocketed he breaks down as follows (Russell). That means more than $5 million per win, more than $2 million per touchdown pass and more than $100,000 per completion. Jason from Denville, NJ

The price tag for Russell is indeed steep, but what about after we adjust for inflation?!? In the Foosball Wizard’s homeland we have very little inflation because we have very little money. We also don’t have crime, because there are no laws.

A Special Ryan Leaf Edition of Courage Wolf

A Special Ryan Leaf Edition of Courage Wolf

It is truly an astounding amount of money that was paid to Russell for the honor of having him balloon to 300 pounds and set the franchise back years, but simply due to the absolutely silly package that Bobby Beathard (who was a fairly well respected personnel man until this disaster) sent to the Cardinals for the privilege of moving up one pick to guarantee they would get Leaf, the Leaf disaster wins. Two 1st round picks, a 2nd round pick, Patrick Sapp and Eric Metcalf! Fair value for Ryan Leaf, according to the draft pick value chart, would have been two flyswatters and a roll of toilet paper. This kind of disaster isn’t just money, but sacrificed players and draft picks… not to mention that fact that Ryan Leaf ruined Bobby Beathard’s career. Beathard was the Director of Player Personnel for the 1972 and 1973 Dolphins and General Manager of the Washington Redskins from 1978 to 1989, during the Joe Gibbs glory days. He was responsible for drafting players such as Art Monk, Gary Clark, Russ Grim, Joe Jacoby and Darrell Green. Sic transit gloria!

Of course, if you’re judging damage to Al Davis’ ego….definitely go with Russell!

 

According to John Clayton at ESPN, the Oakland Raiders are planning to release JaMarcus Russell.

This will conclude a long humanitarian experiment spearheaded by Lord of the Undead and Oakland Raiders owner, Al Davis. Every morning, he would rise from his coffin and personally check on the progress being made by JaMarcus Russell – progress that was so fast he was astounded. This caused a lot of confusion in the sports world, as everyone believed Al Davis was trying to make JaMarcus the starting QB of the Oakland Raiders. However, it turned out that the whole time Al Davis was just trying to prepare him to be reintroduced to the wild.

“The JaMarcus is an endangered species,” said Davis. “There are only three known breeding pairs left in the wild. We have previously succeeded in returning other members of the JaMarcus species to the wild, including David Klingler, who Cincinnati had previously failed to return to the wild. Sometimes, we returned a JaMarcus to the wild with only partial success, such as in the case of Todd Marinovich. The Oakland Raiders organization remains Committed to Ecological Excellence.”

The JaMarcus in its natural habitat, the lost continent of Lemuria.

The JaMarcus in its natural habitat, the lost continent of Lemuria.

JaMarcus Russell has shown plenty of promise in his time with the Raiders. He can now identify various berries and plants of his native continent, Lemuria, which are safe to eat. In addition, he has shown increasing deftness in evading Al Davis’ pet Velociraptors in the Oakland Raiders’ training facility. Velociraptors are the apex predator in Lemuria, and the only threat to JaMarcuses – usually causes of death for JaMarcuses include extreme laziness, drug addiction, and skateboarding injuries – the last two of which have especially been a problem for famous JaMarcus, Todd Marinovich. Russell will be tagged with an electronic tracking system and genetically engineered to have a lysine deficiency so that he will not be able to survive away from the lysine rich foods of Lemuria. This is to ensure that he does not escape and multiply in our ecosystem, which would systematically destroy it.

Todd Marinovich has periodically escaped from Lemuria on his skateboard to California, where he has destroyed three hundred square miles of ancient redwood forests and consumed eight thousand tons of crystal meth. Oakland Raiders authorities are still unsure of how he survives outside of Lemuria or how he escapes from there. Marinovich has been tranquilized and returned to his home continent on four separate occasions. Oakland officials hope JaMarcus Russell will be a stabilizing influence on Marinovich and are guardedly optimistic that they may form a mating pair and repopulate the species.

 
Gene J. Puskar - AP - 04/12/10

Photo: Gene J. Puskar - AP - 04/12/10

Famous stunt motorcyclist and lover Ben Roethlisberger has promised to promised to “comply with what is asked of (him) — and more.” Specifically, let’s hope that he complies when people tell him “NO!”

I’d like to make a suggestion for Ben that no one else has: The next time you are speaking to the media to respond to allegations of sexual assault try not to look like a total date rapist. The image displayed to the right does not say “I’m sorry.” It says “I gotta run, guys. There’s some really drunk bridesmaids behind you and I think they’re looking at me.”

 
Alan Faneca, Queen of Denial

Alan Faneca, Queen of Denial

Alan Faneca, famous ginger and former all-pro interior offensive lineman, is not happy about the end of his tenure with the New York Jets. Tim Graham of ESPN quotes Faneca as writing to Rich Cimini “We did a lot of great things last year on the field … I guess the phrase ‘If it ain’t broke, then don’t fix it’ doesn’t apply here,” and that “I think they made the decision that they felt was for the future of the team.”

Other famous gingers.

Other famous gingers.

Actually, Alan, this was a decision for the present and it’s pretty darned broke! According to ProFootballFocus’s blocking metrics and common sense, Alan Faneca’s 2009 season was pretty bad. At the very least, he was the worst offensive lineman on the team. Tim Graham at ESPN was allowed to peek at ProFootballFocus’s entire spreadsheet and he discovered that “Perennial Pro Bowl guard Alan Faneca was way down the list. A dozen left guards had a worse PBP rating, but only two yielded more sacks than Faneca did. He was charged with six sacks, two QB hits and 15 pressures.”

Faneca used to be one of the best interior linemen in football but it appears age is finally catching up to him. It is said that the light that burns brightest burns briefest, and Faneca has burned very brightly and very ginger for thirteen seasons.

 

According to the Associated Press, the Jets will be switching Vernon Gholston back to his natural position of defensive end.

Amateur football scout, Sherlock Holmes, had this to say about Gholston’s position switch: “There is but one step from the grotesque to the horrible.”

I queried Mr. Holmes as to whether or not he believed that Gholston was just unable to make the adjustment to linebacker and might perform better at his position from his college days, defensive end. Is it possible that Gholston’s poor performance is due to the fact that he’s just a poor fit at linebacker?  Holmes laughed, and told me “Perhaps, when a man has special knowledge and special powers like my own, it rather encourages him to seek a complex explanation when a simpler one is at hand.” Holmes is a wise man, I do have special knowledge and powers. I will defer to Mr. Holmes on this issue.

Mike Tannenbaum still believes that Gholston has a future with the team, either as a defensive end or in another position. “We believe that Vernon has a great future with our team as a doorstop if things don’t work out for him at defensive end. If he can put on another twenty to thirty pounds before camp, we can’t see any door in the NFL failing to be secured by his bulk. The only struggle for him will be getting down the mental concepts of the position – which are myriad and complicated.”

Vintage, handmade Vernon Gholston doorstops are now available for one million dollars plus incentives!

Now available at etsy.com. We guarantee you will be unsatisfied with your investment or your money back!

Now available at etsy.com. We guarantee you will be unsatisfied with your investment or your money back!

 

They used to say “Who the hell is Mel Kiper?” Now they say “Who the FUCK does Todd McShay think he is, anyway?”

Todd McShay is eons ahead of me. I hope one day NFL insiders expound on what a jackass I am. Then I’ll be bigtime!

Todd McExpose here at ProFootballTalk!

P.S. I heard from one of my sources that Todd McShay failed the Voight-Kampff test!

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