According to the Associated Press, the Jets will be switching Vernon Gholston back to his natural position of defensive end.

Amateur football scout, Sherlock Holmes, had this to say about Gholston’s position switch: “There is but one step from the grotesque to the horrible.”

I queried Mr. Holmes as to whether or not he believed that Gholston was just unable to make the adjustment to linebacker and might perform better at his position from his college days, defensive end. Is it possible that Gholston’s poor performance is due to the fact that he’s just a poor fit at linebacker? ¬†Holmes laughed, and told me “Perhaps, when a man has special knowledge and special powers like my own, it rather encourages him to seek a complex explanation when a simpler one is at hand.” Holmes is a wise man, I do have special knowledge and powers. I will defer to Mr. Holmes on this issue.

Mike Tannenbaum still believes that Gholston has a future with the team, either as a defensive end or in another position. “We believe that Vernon has a great future with our team as a doorstop if things don’t work out for him at defensive end. If he can put on another twenty to thirty pounds before camp, we can’t see any door in the NFL failing to be secured by his bulk. The only struggle for him will be getting down the mental concepts of the position – which are myriad and complicated.”

Vintage, handmade Vernon Gholston doorstops are now available for one million dollars plus incentives!

Now available at We guarantee you will be unsatisfied with your investment or your money back!

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Apr 252010

Lightning Hopkins contacted the Foosball Wizard via email and since the Foosball Wizard is a fan of the blues, he agreed to post a special song Lightnin’ wrote for Leon Washington.

Asked about how he felt about the deal, Lightning Hopkins said “Cold ground was my bed last night, rocks was my pillow too. I woke up this morning, I’m wondering, what in the world am I gonna do?”

John Connor in action in Kentucky.

John Conner in action in Kentucky.

As part of the Leon Washington trade, the Jets traded up to the 5th round to snag famous enemy of Skynet, John Conner, who fell to the 5th round due to concerns about his speed and fears that his career might be shortened by homocidal robots from the future. He was unable to attend the scouting combine in Indianapolis due to the fact that he was “living off the grid.”

Leon Washington was quoted as saying “Robots from the future and shit? Thank you very much, I’ll be in Seattle sippin’ coffee.” To replace Washington, the Jets drafted Joe McKnight, similar to Leon Washington in every way except with a greater tolerance for the possibility of death at the hands of murderous automatons.

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