Sep 202012
 
We'll be seeing this a lot this week, except the Redskin will be an Eagle.

We’ll be seeing this a lot this week, except the Redskin will be an Eagle.

Went 11-4 last week, Missing on Oakland, New Orleans, Baltimore and just like the rest of the world, New England. This week, I’m picking in time for the Thursday game!

NY Giants at Carolina (Without Hakeem Nicks the Giants lose this one. Whoever doesn’t get covered by Corey Webster puts up big numbers.)

St. Louis at Chicago (Good Jay Cutler shows up this week.)

Tampa Bay at Dallas (The Bucs win but Greg Schiano causes a controversy when he hits Jason Garrett in the knee with a tire iron during the handshake, because the Bucs never quit, even when time has run out.)

Jacksonville at Indianapolis (The Jaguar disaster tour continues with another loss. Two words: Guy Whimper. Should be the Jaguar’s mascot.)

Buffalo at Cleveland (C.J. Spiller breaks the single game rushing record with 500 yards. Cleveland decides to cancel the rest of the season.)

NY Jets at Miami (Jets pummel Tannehill and win, despite the linebackers totaling 23 missed tackles on Reggie Bush.)

Kansas City at New Orleans (New Orleans finally runs into someone they can beat. This basically works for any team that is playing a team coached by Romeo Crennell.)

Cincinnati at Washington (RGIII wins in a shootout, is anointed as the second coming of Christ as he torches a terrible defense.)

San Francisco at Minnesota (The most dominating defense in football dominates again. The talent SF has on defense at each position is frightening.)

Detroit at Tennessee (Jim Schwartz gets a win against the team he used to coach for. Jake Locker completes 5% of his passes, slightly above his average.)

Atlanta at Chargers (The Chargers revert to their Norv Turner ways.)

Philadelphia at Arizona (Kolb gets Kolberred* and Arizona’s underrated D is not enough to win it.) *See what I did there?

Pittsburgh at Oakland (Oakland is actually worse than Cleveland. You heard it first, here, on the Foosball Wizard.)

Houston at Denver (Denver is tough at home, but Houston is really good. They’re still underrated.)

New England at Baltimore (Can Baltimore do it without Suggs? I think they can since Hernandez is out.)

Green Bay at Seattle (Green Bay pulls off the difficult trick of beating Seattle in Seattle.)

Sep 212010
 
Which one of these three quarterbacks will lead the Buffalo Bills to victory? If you guessed "NONE OF THE ABOVE", you are CORRECT.

Which one of these three quarterbacks will lead the Buffalo Bills to victory? If you guessed "NONE OF THE ABOVE", you are CORRECT.

Green Bay 32 Buffalo 7: I don’t think this result surprised anyone. What is surprising is that Chan Gailey is already giving up on Trent Edwards as a starting quarterback and replacing him with Ryan Fitzpatrick. It’s hard to believe that Bill Walsh thought he was the second coming of Joe Montana. Brandon Jackson seems to lack the finesse or power to be a decent starting RB, which makes sense since Green Bay gave him every chance in the world to win the starting running back job in 2007 but was beaten out by the more talented Ryan Grant. Marshawn Lynch got the lion’s share of Buffalo’s carries and is worth a flier in fantasy football.

Miami 14 Minnesota 10: Brett Favre has turned into a pumpkin a little earlier than usual this year. Chad Henne isn’t looking much better. I didn’t like Henne coming out of college and I still haven’t warmed to him. He’s not the most accurate QB in the world and he has been terrible in the red zone in his short career. I saw a Scouts Inc. article saying Henne is better/more promising than Sanchez and I projectile vomited all over my monitor. I don’t think Sanchez has arrived yet but I like his future potential much more than Henne’s, and so did most of the NFL when they came out of college: just look at their respective draft positions.

Kansas City 16 Cleveland 14: KC at 2-0 : WHO WOULDA THUNK IT? It’s amazing that Scott Pioli, who saw Cassel with the Patriots, paid him so much money. Cassel is a very limited QB and New England made it work with him, Cassel did not make it work for New England. Jamaal Charles and some of the other youngster at least give this offense some flash. KC fans who were excited about bringing a back with Thomas Jones’ stat line from last year should take note of the fact that two of his big games were against the Buffalo Bills who fielded one of the worst run defenses in history last year. Jones looked like a worn out, old running back by the end of the Jets’ season.

Chicago 27 Dallas 20: Does anyone think Jason Garrett is a genius anymore? It’s a crime that a team this talented performs so poorly. Despite the mistakes of the players the blame falls on the coaching staff, including class act and nice guy Wade Phillips whose teams consistently underperform. They can only ride so far on Parcells’ infrastructure. Martz and the Bears just adjusted far better than the Cowboys who have a great deal more talent than Chicago. It will be interesting to see The Greatest Show on Frozen Tundra play a talented Green Bay defense next week. The GB matchup will let us know if the Chicago offense is for real.

Upon being awarded the starting job in Arizona, Derek Anderson was quoted as saying "HERP. DERP."

Upon being awarded the starting job in Arizona, Derek Anderson was quoted as saying "HERP. DERP."

Atlanta 41 Arizona 7: OUCH. If anyone forgot how bad Derek Anderson is, perhaps now you remember. If they had a barn run a route in the endzone maybe then Anderson could hit it at a percentage greater than 50%. Dark days lie ahead for Cardinals fans.

Tampa Bay 20 Carolina 7: Speaking of dark days and terrible QB play, the Bucs beat the Panthers 20-7 on Sunday. Matt Moore is hopelessly outclassed and it doesn’t help that it’s more productive to smash your genitalia over and over with an unabridged dictionary than start Dwayne Jarrett at wide receiver. The Jimmy Claussen era begins and it should have begun a week earlier. It’s too bad the young QB has no one to throw to at wide receiver besides famous pugilist, Steve Smith. Fun fact: I once saw Carolina TE Dante Rosario referred to on a fantasy football site as “Rosario Dawson.” Freudian slip?

Philadelphia 35 Detroit 32: While we’re on the topic of dark clouds, Jamal Jackson and Leonard Weaver are hurt and Kevin Kolb looked awful last week, surprising everyone but me. Sean McDermott cannot replace Jim Johnson, who is one of the all time greats. I was amazed the Eagles felt comfortable enough to deal away McNabb, but the new management in Philly obviously appreciated McNabb about as much as the fans did. Kolb threw for nearly 400 yards last year against the Saints while the Eagles were routed and tried to play catch up and also chalked up three interceptions. He then torched an awful Chiefs defense the next week. This seemed to be enough to convince the entire world that Kevin Kolb is awesome except for me. Vick has played decently in his stead, but he is not the future, so Kolb will get another chance. I hope for Eagles’ fans’ sake that I am wrong, but nearly blowing a huge lead to the Shaun Hill-led Detroit Lions has to make you worry. Two games into the season it looks like I was wrong to chastise the Lions for trading up for Jahvid Best – he looks like the real deal. I have the utmost respect for Jim Schwartz who is one of the most intelligent NFL coaches out there and if anyone can make a winner of the Lions, he can.

WHARR IS ANQUAN BOLDIN? WHARRRRRR!?!

WHARR IS ANQUAN BOLDIN? WHARRRRRR!?!

Cincinnati 15 Baltimore 10: I didn’t think the Bengals were that good last year and I don’t think they are this year, but man do Carson Palmer and Marvin Lewis have the Ravens’ number. I believe I read that the Palmer/Lewis combo is 9-3 against the Ravens. If they could play the Ravens every week they’d be that much better. That said, it’s pretty hard to win when you have a -4 turnover margin and the Ravens are lucky it was even this close. If Flacco keeps this up I’m not going to be able to rave about Captain Unibrow much longer.

Pittsburgh 19 Tennessee 11: Charlie Batch was absolutely awful after Dixon was knocked out of the game. Steeler fans should be praying for the quick return of famous lover and stunt motorcyclist Ben Roethlisberger. The Steelers defense saved the day and held Chris Johnson to 34 yards on the ground. I was impressed by one of Kerry Collins’ frozen ropes tossed down the field in the 4th quarter, but Tennessee will and should continue to go with Vince Young.

Denver 31 Seattle 14: A Demaryius Thomas sighting! Eddie Royal with two weeks in a row of production! Don’t get too used to this. Now that Brandon Marshall is gone I suspect the amount of targets each receiver gets during a game will fluctuate a lot week to week, just like the 2006 Patriots’ offense coached by McDaniels which had even more pedestrian wide receiver options. The Seattle Seahawks reminded us why no one expected them to go anywhere this season under famous sinking ship escapee, Pete Carroll.

Oakland 16 St. Louis 14: This was a sloppy game for St. Louis, but Sam Bradford looks like the real deal. My misgivings about Sam Bradford as a #1 overall choice may have been unfounded. Campbell was pulled for Gradkowski and I can’t imagine that Darth Davis was happy with this. Gradkowski can make some nifty plays and he’s a great leader, but when he tries to throw the ball downfield things can get a little scary. Darren McFadden is suddenly the back he was expected to be. Surprising: Darrius Heyward-Bey nearly equaled his output from last year with six catches (he had seven all of last year) Not Surprising: Louis Murphy also had six catches. Murphy was a heck of a polished WR for a rookie when he came into the league last year.

Gary Kubiak enters combat against his most dangerous enemy - the Windmill.

Gary Kubiak enters combat against his most dangerous enemy - the Windmill.

Houston 30 Washington 27: There were nearly 1000 passing yards in this game. YIKES. McNabb is still a good QB but I doubt he’s good enough to salvage this Washington disaster. Kubiak used Shanahanigans against their originator when he iced Graham Gano with a timeout. Gano nailed the 50+ yard field goal on the negated first try, and then missed the second one. Karmic retribution for Shanahan. Gary Kubiak makes some quixotic decisions at times. Unless he knows something I don’t about Neil Rackers, I don’t understand why he punted instead of allowing Rackers to attempt an approximately 52 yard game winner. (The punt was a touchback, by the way.) Also, when the Texans needed to run out the clock on fourth down they snapped the ball to punter Matt Turk and had him run around aimlessly for a second or two before collapsing in a heap on the ground instead of having Schaub do it. It seems like there’s more chance for disaster with a punter running around with the ball than a QB.

New York Jets 28 New England Patriots 14: This one wasn’t that surprising to me. The Patriots clowned a Cincinnati Bengals team that I don’t think is that good in week one and the NE secondary is awful. The Jets aren’t as bad as their week one performance on offense would have you think. However, I don’t think they’re as good as their performance against New England this week would have you think. LaDainian Tomlinson looks younger than he did last year. Brian Schottenheimer didn’t call a very good game against the Ravens but he rebounded against New England. There will be a lot of shootouts against New England this year unless they can do something to stop the the pass.

San Diego 38 Jacksonville 13: David Garrard went right back to being a goat in week two. Tolbert reminds me of Jerome Bettis although his footwork isn’t as good. The Kansas City game was scary for San Diego fans, but I think a lot of that had to do with the Chargers having difficulty with the weather. Something the Chargers should worry about is their offensive line, they really miss McNeil – moreso than Vincent Jackson. There’s nothing really positive to say about Jacksonville right now except that they have a great player in Jones-Drew and a better than average receiver in Sims-Walker. They’re really cornering the market on talented players with hyphenated names. Maybe they can sign Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff to play quarterback for them next year.

This group of scrappy alpacas could easily hold Brandon Jacobs to less than 2 yards per carry.

This group of scrappy alpacas could easily hold Brandon Jacobs to less than 2 yards per carry.

Indianapolis 38 New York 13: Well… the better team won. I think this team has been tuning out Tom Coughlin for a while now. He’s not the most exciting coach in the world and I think it happens faster with him than with some other coaches, which is a shame because he’s a talented coach. If you told me this was a Tom Coughlin coached team I’d never believe it. This could be his last year in New York. Brandon Jacobs needs to stop crying and stop running sideways. The Giants dared the Colts to run the ball down their throats, so they did and did so successfully. Who would’ve thought two years ago that Darren McFadden would be running more powerfully and with more authority than Brandon Jacobs?

New Orleans 25 San Franciso 22: San Franciso played their butts off after being annihilated by the crappy Seahawks in week one. Alex Smith actually looked pretty good and can still salvage his career. The San Franciso defense is fearsome and has taken on the personality of Mike Singletary. Alex Smith orchestrated a great drive to tie the game in the 4th quarter but they couldn’t stop the Saints one more time, despite getting a hand on the game winning field goal.

 
Nicola Tesla deftly transfers your "Electronic Letters" across dimensions to their intended recipients.

Nicola Tesla deftly transfers your "Electronic Letters" across dimensions to their intended recipients.

Just like another famous wizard, sometimes people journey down colorful brick roads seeking my assistance. However, since the dawn of the “Internet” such barbaric methods of seeking supplication have been replaced by the convenience of “The Electronic Letter Service,” co-invented by Nicola Tesla and Al Gore in the late 20th century. I now take time out from my work sealing the dimensional rift that unfortunately allowed Richard Nixon, Lady Gaga and Bill Belichick into our dimension to dispense wisdom to a noble pilgrim named Anthony Roselle, from the Garden State. All seekers are rewarded with my wisdom… and a complementary cockatrice and alpaca meat empañada from the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy (Catering is available for parties of 20 or more.)

Anthony writes:

In my other league someone dropped Kevin Kolb, would you recommend picking him up. Schaub is my QB and I don’t have a back up. I would have to give up my WR6 Devin Hester for him. I think it is a good idea, and stash him on the bench.

Also, someone dropped Zach Miller and Owen Daniels. Chris Cooley is my TE1, I would have to drop my TE2 John Carlson. Do you think it’s worth dropping Carlson for Miller or Daniels?

You would not believe how difficult these things are to hunt and grind into empañada meat.

You would not believe how difficult these things are to hunt and grind into empañada meat.

Although I seem to be the only person who wasn’t high on Kevin Kolb he looked even more awful and lost than I expected in week one.  If you don’t have a backup QB right now, I would pick Kolb up because Reid and the Eagles tend to be stubborn about their starting QB and I think he will be back in the lineup unless Vick absolutely lights it up or he fails to pass a concussion test. It is a gamble, but given your need at the position and the fact that you will only be giving up Devin Hester I think it is worth it. He could be a solid #2 QB for a fantasy team assuming he keeps his job. I would only keep Hester if you are thin at WR or there is not great depth at WR in your free agent pool. If players like Laurent Robinson, Mike Williams (SEA), Mario Manningham or Cris Chambers are available as free agents dumping Hester is a no-brainer here.

Chris Cooley is a decent #1 TE and the starter on two thirds of my fantasy teams this season. I tend to only carry one TE, as I feel it’s better to keep an extra RB, WR or QB. I like Carlson, but I don’t hold out a lot of hope for the Seattle offense this year. I think he is going to draw a lot of attention due to the fact that Seattle WRs don’t scare anyone. I’m pretty sure they replaced one of Deion Branch’s feet with a skateboard last year. Actually, both feet may be skateboards by this time. I would drop Carlson if you want to pick up Daniels, who can put up some nice numbers at TE if he has recovered from offseason knee surgery. However, you may wish to consider dropping Carlson for for Kevin Kolb and keeping Hester on your roster. This last option is the one I would take, all other things being equal. However, depending on the availability of WRs and QBs in your league keeping a second TE might not be such a bad idea.

If any of you are old fashioned and wish to converse with the Wizard on matters concerning fantasy football, kindly click on Herman Edwards face on the right of your screen and submit your question via Nicola Tesla’s miraculous invention. If not, feel free to follow the yellow brick road like a Philistine.

 
Rasta Alpaca says "Praise be to Ricky Williams, mon!"

Rasta Alpaca says "Praise be to Ricky Williams, mon!"

Dear Foosball Wizard,

Any hack can claim to be a wizard and rely on their pseudo-science! I AM THE REAL THING! I AM THE WIZARD YOU WILL DEAL WITH!

Any hack can claim to be a wizard and rely on their pseudo-science! I AM THE REAL THING! I AM THE WIZARD YOU WILL DEAL WITH!

Some of your readers (read: at least one) would really know what your take on this young new Philadelphia team is. The other day, we traded away aging defensive cornerstone Dawkins and this year we’ve got an offense barely out of diapers. I have all the faith in the world in in McCoy, in particular, but what do you see Kolb and the boys doing this year? In the more distant future?

Devotedly Yours,
Jeff (Marlton, NJ)

Jeff, you have asked the right wizard about your problems. The wrong wizard has been sought in the past. Fortunately, you have contacted a real wizard not some fraud punk without the credentials (or alpacas.) I’m not a huge Kolb fan, but I am a big fan of the Eagles organization – they’ve had a well run organization in Philadelphia for quite a while now. Kolb put up statistically impressive performances in his few starts, but they were against soft defenses – New Orleans and Kansas City. Also notable was the fact that Kolb threw three interceptions against the Saints, which isn’t terribly damning since the Saints run an aggressive scheme that forces turnovers, but it is still a warning sign. Hopefully the Eagles have seen enough of Kolb off the field that they are confident he will be, at the very least, a solid starter. Moreso than missing Dawkins, who was a talented safety (albeit a bit slow and long in the tooth these days) the Eagles will miss Jim Johnson who passed away last year. He was a true defensive genius and one of the greatest coordinators of the modern era. Sean McDermott has big shoes to fill and it showed some last year. The Eagles youth movement will have some growing pains, but one facet the Eagles now shine in is one that has been their Achilles heel for years – wide receiver! DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin will help the Eagles forget the nightmare that was Freddie Mitchell, Todd Pinkston, Hank “Hell in a Hand” Baskett and their ilk. I wonder if the Eagles will still be as pass wacky without McNabb? We will find out! Don’t worry about Baskett, Eagles fans. His playmate ex-wife is apparently shopping her sex tape with an ex for cash!

Aside from speculation that someone switched the brain and nerve tonic in Al Davis’s morning coffee to common sense, is it possible that the release of JaMungus Russell will also be seen as 1: -=THE=- Draft Bust of our times and 2: ammunition for the Owners to regulate a rookie salary cap and lower it considering the financial investment and crippling effect one player can have on a team as well as the league. Jason, NJ

If anyone encounters this on the streets of Brooklyn, immediately return it to the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy. It is very dangerous and your puny mortal minds cannot comprehend the horrors it contains.

If anyone encounters this on the streets of Brooklyn, immediately return it to the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy. It is very dangerous and your puny mortal minds cannot comprehend the horrors it contains.

That’s actually two questions, Jason. However, I have no readers and your extra question is a delicious bonus to the Foosball Wizard! I am in the process of completing a catering order for a coven of witches currently convening at a Holiday Inn in upstate New York. They just arrived this Sunday and are staying all week, but they have already devoured the arctic seal pup pirogies that I prepared for them! I had to fly up to the polar region myself and club five hundred pounds of them personally! It is not easy running the Foosball Wizard grocery store in Bed-Stuy. Some thugs broke in and stole some rare (and dangerous) magical artifacts that I had stowed in the deep fryer. There is a slight chance it could cause a global catastrophe, but more likely they will just have their souls sucked into a hell dimension.

Anyway, back to football, my greatest passion besides bludgeoning animals for food! I think JaMarcus Russell is probably the second biggest bust in past twenty years of the NFL behind Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf cost the Chargers so much more in draft picks and destroyed Bobby Beathard’s career, so I just have to hand him the crown. As for the rookie salary cap? I’m sure the owners would love to lower it. A lot of the veterans would like to see those big rookie bucks going to more deserving veteran players, too. Or perhaps re-routed to a fund that cares for aging football players? The Foosball Wizard agrees – it is foolish to give young, unproven players the biggest bucks in the game. Save that for the players who deserve it! The NFL has it all backwards!

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