Sep 212010
 
Which one of these three quarterbacks will lead the Buffalo Bills to victory? If you guessed "NONE OF THE ABOVE", you are CORRECT.

Which one of these three quarterbacks will lead the Buffalo Bills to victory? If you guessed "NONE OF THE ABOVE", you are CORRECT.

Green Bay 32 Buffalo 7: I don’t think this result surprised anyone. What is surprising is that Chan Gailey is already giving up on Trent Edwards as a starting quarterback and replacing him with Ryan Fitzpatrick. It’s hard to believe that Bill Walsh thought he was the second coming of Joe Montana. Brandon Jackson seems to lack the finesse or power to be a decent starting RB, which makes sense since Green Bay gave him every chance in the world to win the starting running back job in 2007 but was beaten out by the more talented Ryan Grant. Marshawn Lynch got the lion’s share of Buffalo’s carries and is worth a flier in fantasy football.

Miami 14 Minnesota 10: Brett Favre has turned into a pumpkin a little earlier than usual this year. Chad Henne isn’t looking much better. I didn’t like Henne coming out of college and I still haven’t warmed to him. He’s not the most accurate QB in the world and he has been terrible in the red zone in his short career. I saw a Scouts Inc. article saying Henne is better/more promising than Sanchez and I projectile vomited all over my monitor. I don’t think Sanchez has arrived yet but I like his future potential much more than Henne’s, and so did most of the NFL when they came out of college: just look at their respective draft positions.

Kansas City 16 Cleveland 14: KC at 2-0 : WHO WOULDA THUNK IT? It’s amazing that Scott Pioli, who saw Cassel with the Patriots, paid him so much money. Cassel is a very limited QB and New England made it work with him, Cassel did not make it work for New England. Jamaal Charles and some of the other youngster at least give this offense some flash. KC fans who were excited about bringing a back with Thomas Jones’ stat line from last year should take note of the fact that two of his big games were against the Buffalo Bills who fielded one of the worst run defenses in history last year. Jones looked like a worn out, old running back by the end of the Jets’ season.

Chicago 27 Dallas 20: Does anyone think Jason Garrett is a genius anymore? It’s a crime that a team this talented performs so poorly. Despite the mistakes of the players the blame falls on the coaching staff, including class act and nice guy Wade Phillips whose teams consistently underperform. They can only ride so far on Parcells’ infrastructure. Martz and the Bears just adjusted far better than the Cowboys who have a great deal more talent than Chicago. It will be interesting to see The Greatest Show on Frozen Tundra play a talented Green Bay defense next week. The GB matchup will let us know if the Chicago offense is for real.

Upon being awarded the starting job in Arizona, Derek Anderson was quoted as saying "HERP. DERP."

Upon being awarded the starting job in Arizona, Derek Anderson was quoted as saying "HERP. DERP."

Atlanta 41 Arizona 7: OUCH. If anyone forgot how bad Derek Anderson is, perhaps now you remember. If they had a barn run a route in the endzone maybe then Anderson could hit it at a percentage greater than 50%. Dark days lie ahead for Cardinals fans.

Tampa Bay 20 Carolina 7: Speaking of dark days and terrible QB play, the Bucs beat the Panthers 20-7 on Sunday. Matt Moore is hopelessly outclassed and it doesn’t help that it’s more productive to smash your genitalia over and over with an unabridged dictionary than start Dwayne Jarrett at wide receiver. The Jimmy Claussen era begins and it should have begun a week earlier. It’s too bad the young QB has no one to throw to at wide receiver besides famous pugilist, Steve Smith. Fun fact: I once saw Carolina TE Dante Rosario referred to on a fantasy football site as “Rosario Dawson.” Freudian slip?

Philadelphia 35 Detroit 32: While we’re on the topic of dark clouds, Jamal Jackson and Leonard Weaver are hurt and Kevin Kolb looked awful last week, surprising everyone but me. Sean McDermott cannot replace Jim Johnson, who is one of the all time greats. I was amazed the Eagles felt comfortable enough to deal away McNabb, but the new management in Philly obviously appreciated McNabb about as much as the fans did. Kolb threw for nearly 400 yards last year against the Saints while the Eagles were routed and tried to play catch up and also chalked up three interceptions. He then torched an awful Chiefs defense the next week. This seemed to be enough to convince the entire world that Kevin Kolb is awesome except for me. Vick has played decently in his stead, but he is not the future, so Kolb will get another chance. I hope for Eagles’ fans’ sake that I am wrong, but nearly blowing a huge lead to the Shaun Hill-led Detroit Lions has to make you worry. Two games into the season it looks like I was wrong to chastise the Lions for trading up for Jahvid Best – he looks like the real deal. I have the utmost respect for Jim Schwartz who is one of the most intelligent NFL coaches out there and if anyone can make a winner of the Lions, he can.

WHARR IS ANQUAN BOLDIN? WHARRRRRR!?!

WHARR IS ANQUAN BOLDIN? WHARRRRRR!?!

Cincinnati 15 Baltimore 10: I didn’t think the Bengals were that good last year and I don’t think they are this year, but man do Carson Palmer and Marvin Lewis have the Ravens’ number. I believe I read that the Palmer/Lewis combo is 9-3 against the Ravens. If they could play the Ravens every week they’d be that much better. That said, it’s pretty hard to win when you have a -4 turnover margin and the Ravens are lucky it was even this close. If Flacco keeps this up I’m not going to be able to rave about Captain Unibrow much longer.

Pittsburgh 19 Tennessee 11: Charlie Batch was absolutely awful after Dixon was knocked out of the game. Steeler fans should be praying for the quick return of famous lover and stunt motorcyclist Ben Roethlisberger. The Steelers defense saved the day and held Chris Johnson to 34 yards on the ground. I was impressed by one of Kerry Collins’ frozen ropes tossed down the field in the 4th quarter, but Tennessee will and should continue to go with Vince Young.

Denver 31 Seattle 14: A Demaryius Thomas sighting! Eddie Royal with two weeks in a row of production! Don’t get too used to this. Now that Brandon Marshall is gone I suspect the amount of targets each receiver gets during a game will fluctuate a lot week to week, just like the 2006 Patriots’ offense coached by McDaniels which had even more pedestrian wide receiver options. The Seattle Seahawks reminded us why no one expected them to go anywhere this season under famous sinking ship escapee, Pete Carroll.

Oakland 16 St. Louis 14: This was a sloppy game for St. Louis, but Sam Bradford looks like the real deal. My misgivings about Sam Bradford as a #1 overall choice may have been unfounded. Campbell was pulled for Gradkowski and I can’t imagine that Darth Davis was happy with this. Gradkowski can make some nifty plays and he’s a great leader, but when he tries to throw the ball downfield things can get a little scary. Darren McFadden is suddenly the back he was expected to be. Surprising: Darrius Heyward-Bey nearly equaled his output from last year with six catches (he had seven all of last year) Not Surprising: Louis Murphy also had six catches. Murphy was a heck of a polished WR for a rookie when he came into the league last year.

Gary Kubiak enters combat against his most dangerous enemy - the Windmill.

Gary Kubiak enters combat against his most dangerous enemy - the Windmill.

Houston 30 Washington 27: There were nearly 1000 passing yards in this game. YIKES. McNabb is still a good QB but I doubt he’s good enough to salvage this Washington disaster. Kubiak used Shanahanigans against their originator when he iced Graham Gano with a timeout. Gano nailed the 50+ yard field goal on the negated first try, and then missed the second one. Karmic retribution for Shanahan. Gary Kubiak makes some quixotic decisions at times. Unless he knows something I don’t about Neil Rackers, I don’t understand why he punted instead of allowing Rackers to attempt an approximately 52 yard game winner. (The punt was a touchback, by the way.) Also, when the Texans needed to run out the clock on fourth down they snapped the ball to punter Matt Turk and had him run around aimlessly for a second or two before collapsing in a heap on the ground instead of having Schaub do it. It seems like there’s more chance for disaster with a punter running around with the ball than a QB.

New York Jets 28 New England Patriots 14: This one wasn’t that surprising to me. The Patriots clowned a Cincinnati Bengals team that I don’t think is that good in week one and the NE secondary is awful. The Jets aren’t as bad as their week one performance on offense would have you think. However, I don’t think they’re as good as their performance against New England this week would have you think. LaDainian Tomlinson looks younger than he did last year. Brian Schottenheimer didn’t call a very good game against the Ravens but he rebounded against New England. There will be a lot of shootouts against New England this year unless they can do something to stop the the pass.

San Diego 38 Jacksonville 13: David Garrard went right back to being a goat in week two. Tolbert reminds me of Jerome Bettis although his footwork isn’t as good. The Kansas City game was scary for San Diego fans, but I think a lot of that had to do with the Chargers having difficulty with the weather. Something the Chargers should worry about is their offensive line, they really miss McNeil – moreso than Vincent Jackson. There’s nothing really positive to say about Jacksonville right now except that they have a great player in Jones-Drew and a better than average receiver in Sims-Walker. They’re really cornering the market on talented players with hyphenated names. Maybe they can sign Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff to play quarterback for them next year.

This group of scrappy alpacas could easily hold Brandon Jacobs to less than 2 yards per carry.

This group of scrappy alpacas could easily hold Brandon Jacobs to less than 2 yards per carry.

Indianapolis 38 New York 13: Well… the better team won. I think this team has been tuning out Tom Coughlin for a while now. He’s not the most exciting coach in the world and I think it happens faster with him than with some other coaches, which is a shame because he’s a talented coach. If you told me this was a Tom Coughlin coached team I’d never believe it. This could be his last year in New York. Brandon Jacobs needs to stop crying and stop running sideways. The Giants dared the Colts to run the ball down their throats, so they did and did so successfully. Who would’ve thought two years ago that Darren McFadden would be running more powerfully and with more authority than Brandon Jacobs?

New Orleans 25 San Franciso 22: San Franciso played their butts off after being annihilated by the crappy Seahawks in week one. Alex Smith actually looked pretty good and can still salvage his career. The San Franciso defense is fearsome and has taken on the personality of Mike Singletary. Alex Smith orchestrated a great drive to tie the game in the 4th quarter but they couldn’t stop the Saints one more time, despite getting a hand on the game winning field goal.

 

Here’s a backlog of reader questions. Unfortunately, they were trapped for over a month in a dimension where Art Schlichter is a Super Bowl winning quarterback and Tom Brady is a destitute street urchin with a bad haircut. So, I guess he was a lot like Tom Brady in this dimension but with less money.

For LenDale White, this is Heaven.

For LenDale White, this is Heaven.

Did the injuries in the Denver backfield cause the knee jerk reaction of signing LenDale White to Denver? Or was there a rocky mountain surplus of tequila and tacos?

The LenDale White signing was due to injuries. Unfortunately, LenDale tore his achilles tendon while chasing a truck full of tequila.

“Maybe you’re just sitting around your house with your buddies. Maybe you go bowling and you have a couple of drinks. … I like Patron Platinum. It’s like some people like strawberry soda. It’s good.” -LenDale White

If water covers 2/3′s the earth, is the other 1/3 covered by Revis’s new but deserved ego? I can’t remember someone still in a rookie contract demanding top $ of the position. He deserves it but is he going the wrong way about it? Say have the extension signed and put in or just play out the contract. A distraction to a team with too much pressure on it already I think.

Revis is going the wrong way about it, but he shares the same agent Chris Baker and Pete Kendall, two players “wronged” by the Jets, did. I think they’re settling a score with Tannenbaum. Revis gave up so much guaranteed money I feel that they weren’t even acting in his best interest. It’s a shame this is happening in a Super Bowl run year.

T.O and Ocho. …. yeah, I don’t know about that one. T.O. is the SHAQ of the NFL now in my opinion, a part time option but not a starter who can demand attention but not give you the minutes.

Terrell Owens has been more of a liability than a matchup problem since his final year with the Cowboys. If you watch their offense that year they scheme with their other receivers to try to help Owens get open. T.O. is old and I wonder if Randy Moss is going to finally have age catch up with him too.

Mike Martz Jr. stealthily prepares to install his offense inside an Alpaca.

Mike Martz Jr. stealthily prepares to install his offense inside an Alpaca.

Mike “Mad Man” Martz claims as for as Jay Cutler, “nothing to work on” as far as his QB play of mechanics. …. is this an endorsement of condemnation for the cut-man?

Martz doesn’t demand much from a quarterback besides accuracy, quick decision making and a fast release. Cutler has all of those, so he should be fine. That said, don’t be surprised if he throws 20+ interceptions again behind that offensive line, with those receivers and in that scheme.

Is it wrong to use Albert Haynesworth as bait for next years Shark Week if he can’t pass a conditioning test? Cause if he can’t tread water for a few minutes in shark infested areas I don’t see how he can at least occupy the attention of a center and demand a guard for double teaming.

I hope the sharks like processed meat and sweets.

The Charger fallout of LT leaving and the statements of entitlement. Are some players jealous they were not the face of the franchise like say … I dunno, Manning and Big Ben Rapist?

L.T. is a good guy and still a good player, but he’s no longer a superstar and was upset he wasn’t being treated like one in San Diego anymore. He’ll be great for the Jets playing with that chip on his shoulder.

Like reports of the demise of the fooseball wizard is Jeff Garcia’s retirement by default premature? Some system needs a solid #2 who just thrives or at least is more competent than the incumbent starting QB?

Jeff Garcia can probably still be a backup somewhere but he’s a bit of a prickly character and a lot of teams don’t want to bother dealing with him now that he is older. Even the Oakland Raiders couldn’t handle him refusing to play backup last year. I have to admit, I’d consider suicide if I was regulated to a backup role behind JaMarcus “Purple Drank” Russell.

Giselle Bundchen is also a crack addicted prostitute in this universe.

Giselle Bundchen is also a crack addicted prostitute in this universe.

Andre Johnson, much like Revis does he deserve the #1 salary for his position?

Yes. The best receiver in the NFL. A bit of an injury risk though.

Of all the relocations in the off season between veteran players as well as coaches, general managers, etc. Who has the most to prove
in the new surroundings and why?

If Mike Shanahan really wants to be known as a “genius” he better make something of the Redskins. He rode in to the Super Bowl with a partially inherited team with John Elway at quarterback and a killer running game and he hasn’t really succeeded since. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who has more to prove than Shanahan.

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