Nicola Tesla deftly transfers your "Electronic Letters" across dimensions to their intended recipients.

Nicola Tesla deftly transfers your "Electronic Letters" across dimensions to their intended recipients.

Just like another famous wizard, sometimes people journey down colorful brick roads seeking my assistance. However, since the dawn of the “Internet” such barbaric methods of seeking supplication have been replaced by the convenience of “The Electronic Letter Service,” co-invented by Nicola Tesla and Al Gore in the late 20th century. I now take time out from my work sealing the dimensional rift that unfortunately allowed Richard Nixon, Lady Gaga and Bill Belichick into our dimension to dispense wisdom to a noble pilgrim named Anthony Roselle, from the Garden State. All seekers are rewarded with my wisdom… and a complementary cockatrice and alpaca meat empañada from the Foosball Wizard Bodega in Bed-Stuy (Catering is available for parties of 20 or more.)

Anthony writes:

In my other league someone dropped Kevin Kolb, would you recommend picking him up. Schaub is my QB and I don’t have a back up. I would have to give up my WR6 Devin Hester for him. I think it is a good idea, and stash him on the bench.

Also, someone dropped Zach Miller and Owen Daniels. Chris Cooley is my TE1, I would have to drop my TE2 John Carlson. Do you think it’s worth dropping Carlson for Miller or Daniels?

You would not believe how difficult these things are to hunt and grind into empañada meat.

You would not believe how difficult these things are to hunt and grind into empañada meat.

Although I seem to be the only person who wasn’t high on Kevin Kolb he looked even more awful and lost than I expected in week one.  If you don’t have a backup QB right now, I would pick Kolb up because Reid and the Eagles tend to be stubborn about their starting QB and I think he will be back in the lineup unless Vick absolutely lights it up or he fails to pass a concussion test. It is a gamble, but given your need at the position and the fact that you will only be giving up Devin Hester I think it is worth it. He could be a solid #2 QB for a fantasy team assuming he keeps his job. I would only keep Hester if you are thin at WR or there is not great depth at WR in your free agent pool. If players like Laurent Robinson, Mike Williams (SEA), Mario Manningham or Cris Chambers are available as free agents dumping Hester is a no-brainer here.

Chris Cooley is a decent #1 TE and the starter on two thirds of my fantasy teams this season. I tend to only carry one TE, as I feel it’s better to keep an extra RB, WR or QB. I like Carlson, but I don’t hold out a lot of hope for the Seattle offense this year. I think he is going to draw a lot of attention due to the fact that Seattle WRs don’t scare anyone. I’m pretty sure they replaced one of Deion Branch’s feet with a skateboard last year. Actually, both feet may be skateboards by this time. I would drop Carlson if you want to pick up Daniels, who can put up some nice numbers at TE if he has recovered from offseason knee surgery. However, you may wish to consider dropping Carlson for for Kevin Kolb and keeping Hester on your roster. This last option is the one I would take, all other things being equal. However, depending on the availability of WRs and QBs in your league keeping a second TE might not be such a bad idea.

If any of you are old fashioned and wish to converse with the Wizard on matters concerning fantasy football, kindly click on Herman Edwards face on the right of your screen and submit your question via Nicola Tesla’s miraculous invention. If not, feel free to follow the yellow brick road like a Philistine.

 

If Ted Ginn Jr. didn’t become a football player he could’ve made a great living doing any job that didn’t require him to hold precious, fragile objects.

In honor of Ted Ginn Jr. keeping up the good fight, the Foosball Wizard is proud to present his top five list of receivers he would not throw babies to. That is, unless, he wanted to create a pile of dead and injured babies. Basically, unless it was Friday, he wouldn’t throw babies at these guys.

Do not leave your baby unattended with these wide receivers.

Do not leave your baby unattended with these wide receivers.

1) Terrell Owens – This guy has been dropping balls at a high rate for years despite being touted as the game’s top receiver (along with Randy Moss). Yes, Terrell Owens was a game breaking athlete, but he’s always had crappy hands.  Get your stale popcorn ready to watch this washed up superstar struggle to compete wherever he lands this season.

2) Ted Ginn Jr. – We’ll give Teddy the #2 slot since he was drafted so high. The subject line isn’t an untruth – The Foosball Wizard literally couldn’t stop laughing when the Dolphins wasted their pick on this loser. In addition to failing to catch the football, he plays so soft that he can be muscled out of plays without having the chance to make a drop or make a play after a miraculous reception.

3) Braylon Edwards – Braylon was elevated from #4 to #3 solely for the ball that hit him in the face that should have been a one gazillion yard touchdown for the Jets in 2009. Oh, and he drops balls all the time. Edwards’ father sums it up for us: “Am I worried about him getting a reputation for dropping the football?” Stan Edwards asked. “No. Because let’s be honest — he’s earned it.”

KABONG.

KABONG.

4) Troy Williamson – Another high draft pick with blazing speed who can’t hold on to the ball. There was talk in Minnesota that he would come around after catching 13,000 practice balls and getting laser correction on a weak eye, but it did nothing to improve his high rate of drops. Perhaps if they installed laser beams and computers on the football they could guide themselves into the wedge between Williamson’s helmet and facemask, making him a viable receiver.

5) Mario Manningham – Sometimes when I was watching a Giants game last season I wasn’t sure if it was football or some sort of slapstick comedy act. Then I noticed that there were no zany sound effects during any of Manningham’s first 3 to 4 game swinging blunders and that he actually intended to entertain me by making great football plays. Unfortunately, there were many more clownish blunders than football excellence. It was reminiscent of Oakland.

Honorable Mentions: Derek Hagan (this guy drops balls like they were flaming suitcases filled with black powder), Darrius Heyward-Bey (Who does a marvelous job dropping a high percentage of the few balls thrown his way), and budding egomaniac Dwayne Bowe.

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