This guy is as old as Randy Moss, and we know what condition Moss was in last year. Moss is also more talented and didn’t spend the last two years rotting in prison. I knew the old Plaxico was back when he began to opine on what teams were his “top picks” to play for.

Hello, Plaxico. No one cares. You’re an aging receiver who just got out of prison for shooting himself with an illicit firearm. Jerry Manuel, major league sports’ expert on gangsta’-ness would surely note that shooting yourself and going to jail for two years is not gangsta’.

Fortunately, the lukewarm reception he’s gotten from football teams shows that GMs are being smart about Plaxico. Of course, all it takes is one idiot to give him a contract he doesn’t deserve.

Don't think I don't have a gun tucked in my waistband, Bro. That sub sandwich better be here before halftime.

 
Lawrence Taylor appears here at a furry convention with a minor whose name has been withheld due to the current proceedings.

Lawrence Taylor appears here at a furry convention with a minor whose name has been withheld due to the current proceedings.

Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor has been indicted on a plethora of charges that would make Ben Roethlisberger blush.

Taylor contends that he did nothing to his 16 year old accuser that he didn’t do to Joe Theismann, who suffered a compound leg fracture in 1985 after alleged contact with Taylor.

Taylor insisted at the time that although he paid Joe Theismann $300 for sex, all he did was hug him. Unfortunately, this shows that Lawrence Taylor’s actions have become more extreme over the years and have targeted younger victims. In the Foosball Wizard’s opinion we had better lock him up before anything more terrifying than the photo on the right occurs.

 

In a rare blend of extreme nerdism and intense gridiron action, The Foosball Wizard is proud to bring to you the NFL Head Coach Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Alignment Chart, inspired by the SEC Coach Alignment Chart at www.everdayshouldbesaturday.com! If you notice how incredibly nerdy you are while reading this, roll a d20 and try to make a saving throw against a future of unending virginity and pepperoni hot pockets.

Can you spot the common thread between the two charts? HINT: It’s easy.

Click on the Image for a description of AD&D Alignments

Click on the Image for a description of AD&D Alignments

 
A snack is delivered to the New England Patriots' Training Camp

A snack is delivered to the New England Patriots' Training Camp

Unfortunately, the Foosball Wizard has been busy rounding up live kittens for Bill Belichick to devour and unable to write blog entries. Although the Foosball Wizard absolutely loathes Darth Belichick, the Foosball Wizard is living below the poverty line and must take any opportunity to improve his bottom line. Belichick typically eviscerates and consumes 50 live, screaming, innocent kittens per day during training camp and it is a huge contract to land. The Foosball Wizard Grocery Store & Cockfighting Arena ™ will be able to stay open at least two more months on this contract alone!

Don't touch those kittens, Belichick. They're MINE.

Don't touch those kittens, Belichick. They're MINE.

However, the Wizard took a break from hunting down these elusive and clever creatures to chime in on the Brian Cushing situation. The situation I speak of is, of course, the fact that he resembles Sloth from Goonies. Due to this, the AP decided to give voters a chance to pick a less horrific rookie of the year. After the ballot was recast, Brian Cushing still won Defensive Rookie of the Year honors.  One anonymous AP reporter was quoted as saying “Jack Lambert won Defensive Rookie of the Year and children screamed whenever they saw his face. I didn’t feel it was ethical to take the award away from Cushing.”

Bill Belichick was unavailable to comment, as his mouth was full of sweet, succulent kittens delivered by a swank new eatery in Bed-Stuy.

AP Photo/David J. Philip

AP Photo/David J. Philip

 
Lawrence Taylor - Making Ben Roethlisberger Look Good Since 2010

Lawrence Taylor - Making Ben Roethlisberger Look Good Since 2010

No, that’s not a photo of Lawrence Taylor with the underage prostitute he’s accused of raping. This is a depiction of a different kind of abuse – subjecting viewers to terrible television.

Lawrence Taylor will apparently be the latest NFL player in the news for the wrong reasons – not a first for the famous crack-cocaine enthusiast and jangly earring wearer. Honestly, those big diamond encrusted “LT” earrings always screamed “crack smoking rapist” to me.

Lawrence Taylor’s wife is claiming that it’s all a conspiracy. This is very likely as Lawrence Taylor has made many enemies over the years – enemies as varied as the Stasi, the Illuminati, PETA and the People’s Liberation Front of Lemuria, a Luddite eco-terrorist group. Eager to tarnish Taylor’s image and stop him from bringing their Machiavellian schemes to a halt, they without doubt set Taylor up.

This dollar, found in Taylor's wallet, shows that he was close to figuring out the Illuminati's secrets.

This dollar, found in Taylor's wallet, shows that he was close to figuring out the Illuminati's secrets.

Ben Roethlisberger, when told the details of today’s Lawrence Taylor arrest, was quoted as saying “lol wut?”

 
MEANWHILE, IN NEW ORLEANS....

MEANWHILE, IN NEW ORLEANS....

So, Joe Vitt, Sean Payton, and Loomis might be in trouble. Unlike Ben Roethlisberger or Michael Vick, do we really care, as fans? It’s hard to cheer for a bozo like Roethlisberger, but if Vitt and Payton are nomming pills they’re only hurting themselves.

Besides, they weren’t breaking into players’ houses to steal pills like Ryan Leaf.

 

Your anger with Woody Johnson makes you strong.

Your anger with Woody Johnson makes you strong.

“Always two, there are. No more, no less. A master, and an apprentice.” –Yoda

Tampa Bay Rays coach Joe Maddon has received a gift full of malevolent portent from famous Sith Lord and New England Patriots head coach, Darth Sweatshirt.

Although the Foosball Wizard loathes everything Darth Sweatshirt, he has a rare moment of solidarity with him concerning his ugly, hacked up sweatshirts. Although some have made very accurate observations as to why Darth Sweatshirt may wear his trademark hoodie with the arms crudely hacked off halfway up, the Foosball Wizard agrees with conventional wisdom in that Bill Belichick is prominently displaying his middle finger, in passive-aggressive fashion, to league management. They tried to tell Darth Sweatshirt how to dress, so he dressed himself as disgustingly as he could while following the letter of the rules!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Joe Maddon has recently had his own fashion related struggle with MLB management, similar to Belichick’s. Evidently, Major League Baseball doesn’t think that Joe Maddon’s “Elmer Fudd” hat and hoodie are as swank as the Foosball Wizard does. Darth Sweatshirt, in a rare show of almost human emotion, sent an official Sith sweatshirt, embroidered with Maddon’s initials, in what may even be an instance of empathy!

Eric Mangini: FATHER!!!! THERE IS STILL GOOD IN YOU!!!! I CAN SENSE IT!!!!!

Bill Belichick: *HACKS OFF MANGINI’S ARM*

 
Gene J. Puskar - AP - 04/12/10

Photo: Gene J. Puskar - AP - 04/12/10

Famous stunt motorcyclist and lover Ben Roethlisberger has promised to promised to “comply with what is asked of (him) — and more.” Specifically, let’s hope that he complies when people tell him “NO!”

I’d like to make a suggestion for Ben that no one else has: The next time you are speaking to the media to respond to allegations of sexual assault try not to look like a total date rapist. The image displayed to the right does not say “I’m sorry.” It says “I gotta run, guys. There’s some really drunk bridesmaids behind you and I think they’re looking at me.”

 
James "Professor" Moriarty and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, at this morning's press conference.

James "Professor" Moriarty and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, at this morning's press conference.

According to Tim Graham on ESPN the Bills have denied even receiving a call from the Steelers indicating a desire to trade them famous stunt motorcyclist and lover, Ben Roethlisberger. The speculation is that Big Ben is so toxic to football teams at this point that even a young, talented QB with a low salary, which is what Roethlisberger would be to any team who picked him up, is undesirable.

The Bills proved they had no interest in Roethlisberger early this morning when they hosted a press conference with their latest acquisition and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. Professor Moriarty, recently released from the holodeck on the Enterprise, was tabbed to compete with Trent Edwards and Brian Brohm for the Bills’ starting QB position in 2010. Buddy Nix, the Bills’ GM, was quoted as saying “‘The Professor’ is a cerebral, gutsy quarterback who comes without the baggage and liability of signing a quarterback like Ben Roethlisberger, Ryan Leaf or Art Schlicter. Moriarty’s high, domed forehead is a sign of a prodigious intellect.”

However, not everyone shares Nix’s opinion of Moriarty. Amateur scout, Sherlock Holmes is quoted as saying “For years past I have continually been conscious of some power behind the malefactor, some deep organizing power which forever stands in the way of the law, and throws its shield over the wrong-doer. Again and again in cases of the most varying sorts — forgery cases, robberies, murders — I have felt the presence of this force, and I have deduced its action in many of those undiscovered crimes in which I have not been personally consulted. For years I have endeavored to break through the veil which shrouded it, and at last the time came when I seized my thread and followed it, until it led me, after a thousand cunning windings, to quarterback James Moriarty of football celebrity.”

Holmes also added that “Moriarty’s elongated delivery and poor footwork will make it hard for him to succeed at the NFL level.”

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