I used to be a Donovan McNabb defender, and I still believe the guy took a lot of grief he didn’t necessarily deserve. However, the last few years of McNabb’s career make him sound like a guy who didn’t want to work and had a big ego.




I’ve selected the two best questions send to the Foosball Wizard for answering. Also, they were the only questions regarding football. The rest of the questions all wanted to know whether I wanted to buy Mexican codeine or Viagra, or perhaps claim a great deal of money in Iraq or Nigeria. Unfortunately, football is my area of expertise, not erectile dysfunction, so I will stick to what I know.

Pats ain’t half bad


Why are we not overrun by donuts like we are plagued by deer? Their natural predator, Rex Ryan, keeps our ecosystem balanced.

Why are we not overrun by donuts like we are plagued by deer? Their natural predator, Rex Ryan, keeps our ecosystem balanced.

Foosball Wizard, what are your thoughts on the Patriots trade for
Albert Haynesworth? And more importantly who wins the pie eating
contest between Haynesworth and Rex when the Jets come to town.

It was a very savvy trade by the Patriots. Haynesworth restructured his contract and will be making (I believe) around $1.5 million this year with NO guaranteed money. Shaun Ellis will be making far more this year. That’s very little risk and a very high upside, as Haynesworth was one of the best DTs in the league before he went to Washington and turned into an expensive mound of hot dogs and melted ice cream. Haynesworth’s base salary goes up in the second year of the deal, if the Patriots decide to keep him, with a very modest roster and workout bonus due to him in 2012. It doesn’t get much more low risk than that. They gave up a fifth round pick, similar to the Jets’ deal for Santonio Holmes, and we know how that worked out for the Jets. Haynesworth could turn out to be a similar boon for the Patriots.

As for the pie, whenever eating sugary treats or running a 46 influenced defense is involved, always bet on Rex Ryan.

Washington felt the sting of a large bonus with Haynesworth, but the Patriots could feel safe signing Mushmouth to play DT for a restructured contract like that.

Washington felt the sting of a large bonus with Haynesworth, but the Patriots could feel safe signing Mushmouth to play DT for a restructured contract like that.

The Contract Devil


Holdouts are going to be under more scrutiny then ever I think this
pre-season. With OTA’s missed from the lockout there are more injuries
happening left and right with players in camps now. Some players like
DeSean Jackson have reported to camp on the last possible day so they
get the year towards free agency. Others like Chris Johnson are
sitting out with the, “Pay me my money!” And my favorite Osi who is
upset that the Giants accepted his previous demands of a re-negotiated
front-loaded contract, now at the back end he claims to be underpaid.
With the CBA now in stone, do you think players are still going to
complain about how they are paid by comparison, clauses, and sitting
out fearing injury? And more so, teams not paying -this- year cause of

Unfortunately for the players, they will still be complaining. Football’s a violent sport, and their contracts are not fully guaranteed like a baseball player’s. They do have the recourse of demanding signing bonuses which are guaranteed, but depending on the market, they might find a big signing bonus hard to get. Of course, a case like Umenyiora’s, where his contract was frontloaded, have no reason to be complaining. Chris Johnson is demanding an absurd amount of money for a running back right now, and I have the feeling the Titans will end up (perhaps unwisely) overpaying to keep him. On the other hand, Johnson is being savvy. He’s not the biggest running back in the world and they’ve worked him pretty hard. A running back’s life is short, and he better grab the money while the grabbing is good. The NFL treats old running backs like used up, lame racehorses: it takes them out back and shoots them. That being said, his astronomical demands are a bit much.


Joe Cullen fights communism the only way he can - by running drunk through the streets looking for fast food.

Joe Cullen fights communism the only way he can - by running drunk through the streets looking for fast food.

Contrary to reports in Spellcasting Illustrated, The Foosball Wizard is not dead. I caught up with those thugs who stole my artifact and whipped up a little spell which cast them into a hell dimension where they are forced to watch the Matt Millen Lions play football while being emotionally invested in the Detroit “football” team for eternity. Unfortunately, my calculations were slightly off and I too was trapped with them – a permanent roommate to famous nudist and alcohol enthusiast, Joe Cullen.  After enduring for what was 20 years of mediocrity in that dimension, during which time not even a month had passed in our reality, I managed to escape by making a psychotropic compound out of Darrell Russell and David Boston’s bones and ashes. Joe Cullen of the alternate hell universe unfortunately imbibed some of the concoction and escaped to our world with me. Our world cannot handle two Joe Cullens. I will handle this dangerous renegade, but there is something more important I must do first.

My fantasy projections are late! However, I will now have more data to work with and they will be more accurate. The QB rankings will be updated, likely with a bump to Kevin Kolb’s stats – who I feel I was overly harsh toward.

In recent news, is there anyone not named Dan Snyder who didn’t see this coming once Haynesworth got his big money contract with the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons, as TMQ calls the Washington D.C. area football club? Out of shape (he failed his first conditioning test on showing up), a huge offseason distraction, and now a knee injury. You didn’t need a telescope or my powers of prognostication to see this huge mound of fail coming.



The Foosball Wizard is very popular with users aged 26-35 named Jason who live in New Jersey and are closely related to the Foosball Wizard. This is the type of useful demographic information that new blogs should exploit with targeted advertising!

Nothing wrong a player who has a chip on the shoulder for teams that did not take them, but is Taylor Mays going a little overboard with his newfound hatred of Pete Carroll?

How is it in one breath he says he understands that Pete took the better safety cause he fell but still holds it against him that he fell in the draft cause he was convinced to come back for a senior season? Should this even be considered a plot in the opening game of 49ers and Seahawks? From Jason, Denville, NJ

Laveranues Coles' loss is their gain.

Laveranues Coles' loss is their gain.

Pete Carroll is a player’s coach and he tends to make his players and everyone around him feel like they’re his best buddy, although he obviously can’t be everyone’s best buddy. When your (presumed) best buddy drafts another safety higher than you, you feel like you’re not Pete’s best buddy anymore. Maybe you go cry in the corner and tear your Pete Carroll shrine apart, extinguishing all the candles and removing the goat you sacrificed to him before you’ve even finished burning it. I don’t know if Taylor Mays did this with his shrine, but that goat was off of my Laveranues Coles shrine and being fed to my pet Tasmanian tiger in no time when he jumped ship to the Redskins!

Of course, maybe Mays should say to himself “Maybe if I wasn’t overaggressive and a more fundamentally sound tackler and cover man Pete would have drafted me and we could have continued to be best buddies. Maybe I should just try to make Pete proud wherever I play.

That would be very mature. Personally? I’d try to destroy Carroll and the Seahawks every time I played them. I would feed their remains to my Tasmanian Tigers, which I keep in a cage in the Foosball Wizard bodega in Bed-Stuy. I pray that the next time I am robbed they unhinge their jaws and devour my attackers.

The arguments can be made that the Chargers set themselves WAY back by moving from #3 to #2 to get Leaf, but the $$ value on Russell as #1 plus the shockwaves of Davis admitting fault on where Lane Kiffen said, “Don’t take that guy!” must be devestating.

As it stands now based on career totals and the $40 million he has pocketed he breaks down as follows (Russell). That means more than $5 million per win, more than $2 million per touchdown pass and more than $100,000 per completion. Jason from Denville, NJ

The price tag for Russell is indeed steep, but what about after we adjust for inflation?!? In the Foosball Wizard’s homeland we have very little inflation because we have very little money. We also don’t have crime, because there are no laws.

A Special Ryan Leaf Edition of Courage Wolf

A Special Ryan Leaf Edition of Courage Wolf

It is truly an astounding amount of money that was paid to Russell for the honor of having him balloon to 300 pounds and set the franchise back years, but simply due to the absolutely silly package that Bobby Beathard (who was a fairly well respected personnel man until this disaster) sent to the Cardinals for the privilege of moving up one pick to guarantee they would get Leaf, the Leaf disaster wins. Two 1st round picks, a 2nd round pick, Patrick Sapp and Eric Metcalf! Fair value for Ryan Leaf, according to the draft pick value chart, would have been two flyswatters and a roll of toilet paper. This kind of disaster isn’t just money, but sacrificed players and draft picks… not to mention that fact that Ryan Leaf ruined Bobby Beathard’s career. Beathard was the Director of Player Personnel for the 1972 and 1973 Dolphins and General Manager of the Washington Redskins from 1978 to 1989, during the Joe Gibbs glory days. He was responsible for drafting players such as Art Monk, Gary Clark, Russ Grim, Joe Jacoby and Darrell Green. Sic transit gloria!

Of course, if you’re judging damage to Al Davis’ ego….definitely go with Russell!

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