Ben Roethlisberger was married this Saturday in a small, private ceremony behind a locked bathroom door in a bar. It was attended by one security guard, who stood outside the door, beaming with pride. “My little boy is all grown up,” he said, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

Ben Roethlisberger and Three Women Enjoying Tasty Rohypnol Beverages

Ben Roethlisberger and Three Women Enjoying Tasty Rohypnol Beverages

 

 

OK, it’s not a photo, it’s a drawing, but I think TMQ on ESPN nailed this one.

Coming soon – Post 2010 report cards for all NFL teams and an article analyzing “Elite Coaches” and taking an interesting new look at what makes them “elite.”

Ben ROFLsberger strikes again, but this time the ladies are safe.

Ben ROFLsberger strikes again, but this time the ladies are safe.

 
Lawrence Taylor - Making Ben Roethlisberger Look Good Since 2010

Lawrence Taylor - Making Ben Roethlisberger Look Good Since 2010

No, that’s not a photo of Lawrence Taylor with the underage prostitute he’s accused of raping. This is a depiction of a different kind of abuse – subjecting viewers to terrible television.

Lawrence Taylor will apparently be the latest NFL player in the news for the wrong reasons – not a first for the famous crack-cocaine enthusiast and jangly earring wearer. Honestly, those big diamond encrusted “LT” earrings always screamed “crack smoking rapist” to me.

Lawrence Taylor’s wife is claiming that it’s all a conspiracy. This is very likely as Lawrence Taylor has made many enemies over the years – enemies as varied as the Stasi, the Illuminati, PETA and the People’s Liberation Front of Lemuria, a Luddite eco-terrorist group. Eager to tarnish Taylor’s image and stop him from bringing their Machiavellian schemes to a halt, they without doubt set Taylor up.

This dollar, found in Taylor's wallet, shows that he was close to figuring out the Illuminati's secrets.

This dollar, found in Taylor's wallet, shows that he was close to figuring out the Illuminati's secrets.

Ben Roethlisberger, when told the details of today’s Lawrence Taylor arrest, was quoted as saying “lol wut?”

 
MEANWHILE, IN NEW ORLEANS....

MEANWHILE, IN NEW ORLEANS....

So, Joe Vitt, Sean Payton, and Loomis might be in trouble. Unlike Ben Roethlisberger or Michael Vick, do we really care, as fans? It’s hard to cheer for a bozo like Roethlisberger, but if Vitt and Payton are nomming pills they’re only hurting themselves.

Besides, they weren’t breaking into players’ houses to steal pills like Ryan Leaf.

 
Gene J. Puskar - AP - 04/12/10

Photo: Gene J. Puskar - AP - 04/12/10

Famous stunt motorcyclist and lover Ben Roethlisberger has promised to promised to “comply with what is asked of (him) — and more.” Specifically, let’s hope that he complies when people tell him “NO!”

I’d like to make a suggestion for Ben that no one else has: The next time you are speaking to the media to respond to allegations of sexual assault try not to look like a total date rapist. The image displayed to the right does not say “I’m sorry.” It says “I gotta run, guys. There’s some really drunk bridesmaids behind you and I think they’re looking at me.”

 
Ben Roethlisberger and Three Women Enjoying Tasty Rohypnol Beverages

Ben Roethlisberger and Three Women Enjoying Tasty Rohypnol Beverages

Since I probably have some pre-draft related questions that may be irrelevant by the time the draft is over, I’m going to answer some reader questions today!

For all of the people wondering if the Steelers now listening to offers on the eve of Draft Day are not going to materialize, do you think it is possible? Steelers are a class organization and the
Rooney’s are not big on Raiders of the 70’s kind of player conduct. Do you think one team in the top 10 or mid rounds will let the pick go, ride the suspension and get what is really a friendly remaining contract on Big Ben? -Jason

Knowing the Rooneys I don’t doubt in the least that they are shopping Roethlisberger. A football team is a product and Roethlisberger is damaging the brand with his conduct. After the police report was released – which pretty much indicated a case of forcible rape even though they could not prosecute Roethlisberger – a lot of fans will find it hard to cheer at all for him. I think I could more easily welcome Bill Belichick to the Jets as head coach than I could welcome Roethlisberger as a QB right now. I would also more easily cheer for famous canine sports enthusiast, Michael Vick, than I would for Roethlisberger. He has a lot of work to do to rehabilitate his image and the only thing saving him right now is his talent. I could only see a maverick like Al Davis trading for Roethlisberger at this point – everyone else will not want to deal with the baggage.

I wish I’d thought of this, but I haven’t really been paying attention since we’ve been chopping veterans and salary and sniffing with indifference at most free agents, but … Pat Kirwin on Sirius NFL just wondered aloud about Kevin Mawae signing with the Eagles.  Seems like a win-win, as Jackson will be out and we have no centers. Even if we get Marukice Pouncey draft day (and I would be fine with that), what could it hurt to have Mawae around? -Mike West

One certainly could do worse than Kevin Mawae at center. He is an intelligent and talented center who is a great locker room influence. However, I do get a little nervous due to his age and the fact that he is small for a center – does that mean there’s more wear and tear on his body? Mike Munchak, the Titans offensive line coach, swears Mawae is in great shape for his age. If that’s true Mawae would be a great filler for the gap in the Eagles’ offensive line. If the Eagles aren’t interested in Mawae they better have a backup plan because there are several other teams, including the Jets, who could swipe Pouncey from them. (The Jets would play him at guard.)

“If the League leading rushing Jets go into the 2010 season with a three headed backfield, will any of the running backs have any fantasy value and if so, who do you project to be the leading fantasy rusher?” G. Slade, Dover, NJ

Shonn Greene is a very talented running back who should only get better in 2010. However, Leon Washington and LaDainian Tomlinson will take a bite out of his fantasy production. Greene will definitely be the most fantasy relevant New York Jets running back, but he will probably be no better than a 2nd tier running back due to Washington and Tomlinson cutting into his touches.

“Are the new complex offenses like the wildcat, running quarterbacks and throwing running backs a fad or are they the wave of the future?” -Rich L., Denville, NJ

The “Wildcat” has been around for a long time in the college ranks although it has never been especially popular in the pros. However, the only team that really ran a unique “Wildcat” offense in the NFL were the Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins ran interesting, different plays with imbalanced and unique formations whereas most other teams’ “Wildcats” consisted of putting an athletic runner in at QB and running standard plays.

Part of the reason the Wildcat is not so popular in the pros is due to the fact that it exploits marked athletic superiority in the backfield. For instance, if you have a blue chip running back and an athletic quarterback when you run crazy option plays the defensive players will not be fast enough to handle Vince Young running the ball with the option to pitch it even further to the outside.  This works in a college environment where elite players have a huge edge in athleticism over the average player. However, in the NFL everyone belongs to that elite class from college and it no longer is as effective a tactic. The Wildcat was markedly less effective last season after other teams had an opportunity to properly prepare for it and it will most likely diminish in popularity in the 2010 season.

 
James "Professor" Moriarty and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, at this morning's press conference.

James "Professor" Moriarty and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, at this morning's press conference.

According to Tim Graham on ESPN the Bills have denied even receiving a call from the Steelers indicating a desire to trade them famous stunt motorcyclist and lover, Ben Roethlisberger. The speculation is that Big Ben is so toxic to football teams at this point that even a young, talented QB with a low salary, which is what Roethlisberger would be to any team who picked him up, is undesirable.

The Bills proved they had no interest in Roethlisberger early this morning when they hosted a press conference with their latest acquisition and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. Professor Moriarty, recently released from the holodeck on the Enterprise, was tabbed to compete with Trent Edwards and Brian Brohm for the Bills’ starting QB position in 2010. Buddy Nix, the Bills’ GM, was quoted as saying “‘The Professor’ is a cerebral, gutsy quarterback who comes without the baggage and liability of signing a quarterback like Ben Roethlisberger, Ryan Leaf or Art Schlicter. Moriarty’s high, domed forehead is a sign of a prodigious intellect.”

However, not everyone shares Nix’s opinion of Moriarty. Amateur scout, Sherlock Holmes is quoted as saying “For years past I have continually been conscious of some power behind the malefactor, some deep organizing power which forever stands in the way of the law, and throws its shield over the wrong-doer. Again and again in cases of the most varying sorts — forgery cases, robberies, murders — I have felt the presence of this force, and I have deduced its action in many of those undiscovered crimes in which I have not been personally consulted. For years I have endeavored to break through the veil which shrouded it, and at last the time came when I seized my thread and followed it, until it led me, after a thousand cunning windings, to quarterback James Moriarty of football celebrity.”

Holmes also added that “Moriarty’s elongated delivery and poor footwork will make it hard for him to succeed at the NFL level.”

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